I do well in small groups, with people I already know and feel comfortable around. I can fake it, if necessary, but not for long, and with varying results.
When I meet new people I usually smile, say hello, and then either stay and listen to their conversation, or move on. Either way, it takes a bit before new acquaintances actually get something of substance out of me.
I am protective of myself and my feelings. I am warm and kind and yes, even sincere, but I am also secretive and scared.
I am a blogger.
I discuss some of my most personal feelings and experiences in a public manner.
I put my insecurities on display for the whole wide web to read, expecting nothing in return, but always hoping to connect with someone who has, or may have had, the same feelings and/or insecurities.
I am an introverted blogger.
The two might seem incongruous, but they really aren't.
I don't mind opening up online because we are all participating, we are all sharing something. Blogging is a quid pro quo relationship wherein we all give up a little of ourselves, and get support and reassurance in return. I love my online life and the friendships I'm cultivating here.
When I finally meet up with these "bloggy friends," we will hug. We've already shared countless cups of "virtual" coffee and numerous personal anecdotes. We both know names and birthdays, accomplishments and setbacks. We're friends, and that friendship is based partly on mutual sharing; neither one being more vulnerable than the other.
Again, let me restate that I am an introverted blogger.
I get anxious when someone from my 'real life', who isn't family or pre-blog friends, begins to read my blog. Most people that I see on a daily basis don't even know I write, and wouldn't really know how to find my space, but on occasion, I will tell a new friend about it.
Then I will proceed to go home and throw up.
Seriously though, sharing myself so completely makes me vulnerable and therefore, uncomfortable. Especially if the friendship is new. Granting someone access to my private thoughts, feelings and fears without having to earn it - whether by years of following online, or getting together in person - is a risk.
There is no quid pro quo in real life, like we have online, but there should be.
Here's my advice to anyone who may have stumbled across, or been given information about, a real-in-your-life-person's blog. Especially if it's mine.
- Comment, you can do it via email if that's more comfortable for you.
- Let me know you were visiting, or tell me about something you read that you enjoyed.
- Share something about yourself with me.
If you think about it, reading my blog, in it's entirety, is the equivalent of two years of weekly coffee visits.
What would you have shared with me over that time?
