Perfect Enough

I sneak into the house just as the sun begins to rise. I'm hoping that the garage door doesn't wake anyone because a few minutes to myself would be nice.

My feet are swollen and my back is sore after twelve hours of abuse. Leaving my shoes in the garage, I head upstairs to wash away the previous night.

I stand in the spray recalling the litany of faces, names and room numbers, trying to determine if there was anything I missed.

Anything more I could have done.

Anything that I should have said.

Anything I need to know better for next time.

This mental recap is a post shift ritual. Methodically calling up past events and actions helps me wind down and actually keeps me from tossing and turning in bed. Some nights this exercise works better than others. It's not surprising that those are usually the nights when I feel I've done my best.

More often than not, though, I wonder if I did enough, know enough, if I'll ever be enough.

I also wonder if it's even possible in my line of work to really ever be enough. The learning curve is steep, the rules change often and mistakes can be fatal.

Regardless of how the recap plays out, I will still fall asleep feeling better. Being willing to review my actions and their outcomes objectively, looking for ways to overcome my flaws, as well as realizing what I've done well, gives me a sense of pride.

I may sometimes be imperfect.

I may often be flawed.

But if I do my best,

                          If I'm willing to work harder,

                                                                   move faster,

                                                                                       learn quicker,



I can be enough.





Also linking up with this week's lovelinks, since I enjoyed it
so much last week!

Life is Beautiful

Given my recent emotional setback, I thought it appropriate to focus on something beautiful for today's post. I'm using Mama Kat's prompt and listing the seven wonders of my life - as a nurse, and patient. Some were joyful, others were filled with tears, but each experience showed the beauty of a life and they have all helped me to remain focused, calm and accepting during difficult times.

1. As a new nurse, still precepting, I witnessed grown children saying goodbye as we cared for their dying mother. She was my first patient to die. I remember her children were there around the clock on rotating shifts, reading to her, reminiscing about their childhood, thanking her for her loving care throughout their lives. We were all present when she passed and I cried with them, realizing that, I had helped them through this difficult time. I gave tenderness and love to their family and was touched to be able to share in their grief.

2. After spending 16 hours helping me labor with Asher, the nurse on shift stayed late to care for me after the birth and help me as my son latched on for the first time. Looking back, with my experience of 12 hour night shifts, I truly appreciate her dedication to patient care at the expense of her own time and energy.

3. I've watched parents, sitting vigil at the bedside of their teenage child lingering between life and death from a suicide attempt. Desperately wanting to do something, and hoping that being there just might be enough to bring their baby back to them.

4. I've held the Ambu Bag during a lengthy code, before time of death was called, as a tearful wife leaned over to tell her husband "I love our life."

5. I've seen a patient who coded several times in ICU walk into my unit upon discharge and thank me for the care I gave, grateful to be able to spend another day with loved ones.

6. During an awful snow and ice storm, I watched exhausted nurses come on shift, having slept in the hospital, to take report on patients they knew would not be safe without adequate staffing.

7. I've performed post mortem care more times than I can count. Tenderly removing lines and cleaning patients so they can be ready to be taken to the funeral home. Some find this macabre, but for me, it's a continuation of nursing care, not only for the patient, but for the family. A way to show respect for someone's life as well as those that love them.

I realize that this list may seem like a downer for some, but that's not the intent. I've learned from my career that there is beauty in even the most upsetting parts of our lives. Sometimes it's shown to us by others, sometimes we are blessed to offer it to someone else.

Written in response to a prompt from Mama Kat's.
#1. List your life's Seven Wonders. 
Describe the most amazing 7 things you've seen with your own two eyes.

This Woman's Work

I've worked the past 24 out of 48 hours and am headed in for another shift tonight. I'm exhausted, but will have the next few days off to recover.

I came home last night to a feverish little one and realized how very lucky I am to know what I know. It was one of the reasons I went to nursing school. It's scary when your babies are sick - even if it's something that seems mild - and it's even worse when you don't know what to do for them.

I thought it might be nice to write a post about how I assess and treat my own children. Not as medical advice, simply as a way to let you know what my thought process is when my babies get sick.

A few weeks ago, with the change of weather, Amelia showed small signs of congestion with a little, productive cough. We all suffer from seasonal allergies, so I wasn't concerned. Sometimes, on days when she seemed pretty stuffy, I'd give her some Benadryl to help her sleep and keep her histamines at bay.

Yesterday however, she started running a fever. It's been between 99-101.5 and we've had to have Ibuprofen and Tylenol round the clock to keep her fever down. I don't usually treat anything below 100+ because fever is one of the ways our bodies fight infection but every child is different. Amelia doesn't run high fevers so a 101 is pretty high for her. Since the medication would break her fever, I wasn't worried about needing to give it every four to six hours. The main thing I worry about is keeping her hydrated and making sure she's had enough wet diapers throughout the day.

I'm confident that she's just got a sinus infection due to the change of weather. I made an appointment with her pediatrician for today and will ask them to swab her for flu just in case because little ones have trouble telling you where they hurt. She's still been pretty active and is eating (as much as she normally does, which is not much) and her bowel and bladder habits have not changed.

I kept her home today and we've just been laying around watching movies and playing. She seems to need a little extra love but hasn't been too clingy which is another thing that makes me think it's nothing serious.

I'll keep you updated via comments about her diagnosis and follow up.

Touching Base

I've dubbed the next four weeks my "Month of Pain." With Asher's, birthday and my inevitable overspending at Christmas looming ahead, I've decided to buckle down and take any (and mostly all) shifts offered to me - within reason, I'm not a machine.

I think I have about four shifts scheduled per week, which may not seem like much but they take a lot out of me. Most days I don't even sit down to pee until eight hours into a shift. Don't mistake this as a complaint, being busy really helps the shift go by and I'm loving the work. I am constantly learning and it's nice to feel myself growing again as a nurse. I look forward to going to work instead of dreading it, like before. I am happier both at home and at work and I feel like being in this new department is a big part of that.

Working more has given Elijah and I an opportunity to fine tune our homemaking skills as well. He is pulling more than his fair share of the weight in that department, coming home in the evenings and finishing laundry, straightening the house and completing any other tasks I've left on his "honey do" list. I am so grateful for his willingness to take on more to ensure that things still go smoothly for me and the kids. Working together, often on opposite schedules, can be difficult, and I miss our evening routine and conversations, but this is a short term absence and I think we're handling it beautifully.

So don't worry if I don't check in as often.

Things are good.

I am happy.

Fall to Pieces

I'm about to post something embarrassing. While some of you might be thinking, this won't be the first time, just try to pretend that it is. It is definitely the first time I've posted something THIS embarrassing (to me). As well as the first time I've broached this particular subject.

(Read: validation is necessary)

I'm a nurse in the Emergency Room at my local hospital. It's a nice, quiet, fairly new community hospital and I've been there (on one floor or another) for over a year. I am new to the ER, but am learning the pace and really enjoying the work. While we don't get crazy traumas, we do occasionally get the craziness expected at an ER, however for the most part, our patients are normal people with normal, treatable issues.

I enjoy caring for most of the patients. I usually only have them on the unit for a few hours before they are either discharged home, transferred to another facility, or admitted to another floor. This short amount of time gives me the opportunity to get them situated, learn a little about their background, treat them, and then move on. There is rarely enough time to become annoyed or angry with someone unless the person is just in that sort of a mood. I get those patients as well, but they don't really bother me that much. I am usually able to do my work in a professional manner, and move on. Nope, the mean ones aren't the patients that make my life difficult.

It's the attractive ones.

Yep, I said it....and I am so embarrassed.

It's true. Sometimes I have been attracted to my patients. Rarely, oh so rarely, I will have a patient that makes it difficult to concentrate, focus, speak, or keep myself from acting a fool. I'm dead serious. I'm only human and am therefore unable make my heart beat slower or my hands stop sweating just because I'm a professional caregiver.

Working with the patient population that I'm usually exposed to, it's not THAT common. In fact, in the two years I've been nursing, I can really only remember it happening twice. I am only writing about this because it happened just recently and I'm still feeling a little thrown or uneasy. I'm thinking that if I just put this 'out there' then maybe all the weirdness will go away. Also, I think it's uber important for people to understand that this possibility exists, even for the most amazingly, wonderfully, professionally, minded nurses such as myself. And if you are an attractive sick person you should prepare yourself accordingly.

Your hospital care provider may have a crush on you.
 
So don't flirt with the people taking care of you. You can be nice, make jokes, give compliments...but don't flirt with the staff. Believe me, we can tell the difference. It is hard enough to start an IV without my hands shaking because my impeccably groomed, soft spoken, great smelling, sweet smiling, patient won't stop flirting with me...even if it does seem subtle.

There. That is all. Now, let's never speak of this again.

Hopeful

This week should mark my very last as a sleep deprived mother of two and absentee wife.

Amelia starts preschool next Tuesday. She will go three days a week. I get to sleep at least five hours on the days she is gone. I would jump up and down with joy if I had the energy.

Let me paint a somewhat self-indulgent picture of my soon to be former schedule using this past week as an example.

Last Thursday I worked 7P-7A getting home just in time Friday morning to pass Elijah in the kitchen and take Asher to school. I spent the day with Amelia, sneaking in an hour in a half nap while she talked and sang in her bed before picking Asher up from school, throwing a frozen pizza in the oven and heading to bed around the time Elijah came in from work.

That Saturday, I worked 11A-11P, it was a ROUGH day and I didn't end up getting home until half past midnight because I had to stop by Taco Bell and get dinner. I got to bed a little after two. Up Sunday morning with my monsters, too exhausted to do anything except lay on the couch sipping coffee while Elijah made breakfast. I napped from 2-5, then headed in to work another 7A-7P.

Monday morning, another passing in the kitchen, Asher taken to school...no nap because Amelia just wasn't in the mood. I seriously fell asleep that night between putting Amelia and Asher to bed, leaving Asher to feel left out and upset. Up Tuesday morning, rested just enough to strip the sheets, fold and put away laundry and balance the checkbook. Asher had swimming and Amelia's school had their parent orientation that evening.

Was off Tuesday and Wednesday night where I stayed up far too late trying to catch up with the husband I hadn't seen in four days. Which brings me full circle to last night, where I worked another 7P-7A and have now inhaled just enough coffee to keep me up until Amelia's nap, but hopefully not too much to keep me awake through it.

Yep. FOURTEEN MONTHS OF THAT.

Give or take the summer weeks where I take off and drive my kids 8 hours each way to spend a week as a single parent with Elijah's family.

I think telling you that I'm tired is an understatement. I swear I'm not complaining. Elijah and I have spent the past seven years working out a schedule that made it possible for us to have our children at home with us most of the time. We took turns with Asher and it I am so glad that we've been able to do the same with Amelia. We have had help, especially when both of the kids were really young, but I can honestly say that I am so relieved that I will soon be able to drop them both somewhere and sleep off my night shift.

I'm looking forward to having more evenings with Elijah.

I'm looking forward to having more time to read.

I'm really looking forward to spending more time in bed...alone...without a monitor on.

A Change Would Do You Good

Something new is going on with me. Something amazing. Something I've been dreaming and hoping and wishing for.

Part of the reason I've not visited this space for a while is because I was afraid I'd say it out loud and then the opportunity would slip away. It may seem silly, and I'm not necessarily superstitious, but I had to be sure this was happening before I spread it around.

I got a new job...sort of. I'm currently orienting in the

I've been wanting to make a change from Med/Surg, but wasn't sure how. For the past year I've worked PRN which basically means I make my own schedule and only work on an 'as needed' basis. I've been looking for a new, similar, position for a while now, but it's been difficult to find an opening in my hospital because I'd need to be trained in a new area. And most directors aren't thrilled about training new PRN nurses. However, about a month ago, I found an opening in ER and interviewed for the position. I got it, but only sort of.

The director wanted me to orient, but still stay on in the Med/Surg department. I accepted the terms, grabbed hold of the new position and just refused to let them ignore me. I set up a meeting with the ER educator and VIOLA! found myself with three weeks of ER orientation!

I haven't wanted to say anything because I was afraid I'd not actually be able to orient. I was nervous about being trained and then pushed back to my old floor. After a week and a half though, I feel like I've started to prove myself and am feeling a bit more secure in the setting. I think I could find my 'nursing home,' at least for now.

The pace is new, the work is interesting and I love the fact that I no longer dread going to the hospital each evening. I realize that I'm still in the honeymoon phase and that this feeling might not last, but I really hope it does. I love being a nurse but I've always felt that I hadn't yet found my home. I'm hoping that this new placement will give me a much needed feeling of peace and love in my work.

How to Save a Life

I remember the exact moment that I decided to become a nurse.

The actual story is not quite as dramatic as that first statement, but it is true nonetheless. Elijah and I were in the Babies R Us parking lot. I had been working mid shifts as an SGML coder at Tinker Air Force Base and was absolutely miserable. I hated having to drop Asher off at daycare, even if it was only for a few hours. The pay was terrible and my morale was low. I wanted something different. Something that would work with the kind of family life that I envisioned for myself. A job that could also be a profession. Something with good pay and unconventional hours. I remember telling Elijah that I was going to go to nursing school.

To say he was surprised would be a pretty big understatement.

See, Elijah knows I'm a fainter. I've fainted while visiting people in the hospital. I've fainted while giving blood. I've got needle phobia and based purely on my history, I seemed the least likely candidate for nursing. EVER. But I'm also a realist. I'm a practical thinker and I knew that with nursing I could have everything: a professional career, steady employment, good income, and time for my family.

My main concern was that once I started nursing I wouldn't like Grey's Anatomy anymore.

Seriously.

While working on the prerequisites for an ADN program I spent a lot of time on nursing blogs and forums. I suppose I wanted to get the "skinny" on what it's really like to be a nurse. In my naivety I assumed that the medical dramas I watched religiously were only inaccurate about the attractiveness of the hospital staff, but of course I was wrong. A lot of these shows got crucified on the forums, not only for the beauty of their actors, but also for protocol inaccuracies, unrealistic diagnostic circumstances and a host of other minor discrepancies. I was scared. I worried that I would gain everything I'd ever wanted in life but lose my ability to watch sappy, over acted medical dramas.

I enrolled in nursing school, despite these seemingly irrational fears and this career has been everything I'd expected and so much more. I truly love my work. I never imagined that I'd enjoy working with hospital patients and their families so much. In school so many of the students talked about how they always wanted to be nurses, how they knew it was their calling. I felt a little intimidated by that, but was always honest about my reasons for joining the profession. I wanted to have it all: family life, a professional career and time for me. And in addition to all those things, I also got this profound feeling of accomplishment, capability and pride. I am not a perfect care provider, I don't know everything, but I love my job and I am a damn fine nurse.

And I still watch Grey's Anatomy every week.

Back to Life...

...back to reality.

I just finished my first two night shifts at the new hospital (and by "just" I mean exactly that, just). "Just" as in I've had a shower and am feeding the kids breakfast. "Just" as in the time on this blog post is not a fabrication. "Just" as in I'm working on my end of shift beer and am about to fall blissfully into bed.

I can already tell that getting back into the routine of leaving after dinner and coming home during breakfast is going to take a little more time. I do however, love working nights. There are less intrusions and less distractions, not to mention the added bonuses of not having to wake up early AND getting to sleep during the day.

All in all it's a good fit even if it does mean that I have to spend a few days on an opposite schedule from the other people in the house.

Bang The Drum All Day

I realize it may seem that I have dropped out this week, but I assure you that is not the case.

I got a job.

A real live, leave the house, talk to adults, practice my craft, hone my skills, make new friends JOB!

I've spent the past three days in HR orientation for the hospital and will work my first shifts this Saturday and Sunday. I'm very excited about the new position and am anxious to get started. I am also however, totally freaked out about going back on the floor. I'm hoping it's like riding a bike and I'll pick up right where I left off.

Elijah and I decided that I wouldn't take a full time position but would instead work a couple days a week (mostly weekends) so that I could still be home, during the weekdays, with the kids. Although I complain about how crazy they make me, I do want to be home with them as long as I possibly can. Hopefully this job will give me just enough time away from the house and kids to recharge, so I can begin to feel like a whole person again.

I will let you know how it goes!

A Hard Day's Night

Saturday night is my final shift of the week. I'm a nurse and I work three 12 hour shifts every Thursday through Saturday; which makes Sunday my comedown day. The plan is that I sleep until 3:00pm, veg on the couch until I've consumed a pot of coffee and try really hard not to gripe at my family. In other words, Sundays are the suck.

However, Sundays make the rest of my week possible and the rest of the week usually rocks. I love spending the week home with my kids. I love knowing that Tuesday is the day I change all the sheets and that I will be the one making the after school snacks every day. I love eating breakfast with the kids and having dinner together every evening. Yes, my weeks pretty much rock.

So I continue to endure the suck that is Sunday, because the rewards throughout the week more than make up for the mental fog that I'm in now.