Big Changes

If you're reading this, then it's happened.

I've moved.

This space has been a wonderful beginning, but since the only way to grow is through change, I'm moving on.

I cannot express enough how amazing these past two years have been. I've met some amazing people, and learned so much about myself.

I look forward to seeing you all at my new place.

www.missmarinastar.com

Soundtrack Of My Life

Today's topic is ten songs that would make up my life's soundtrack.

1. Absolutely (Story of a Girl) - Nine Days

Because if we're going to start my life off with a theme, it might as well be one of tears. Yes, I was a girl tortured by being perpetually in the friend zone. As far as my formative teen years go, I remember heartbreak and angst and longing, and not really much else. Cue the violins.

"This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world."



2. 32 Flavors - Alana Davis

I've always been struck by the dimension of people. Especially now that I'm older. I realize that people are rarely as they appear.  As I posted earlier I am often defined by my roles as mother, wife, nurse, daughter, sister, but there is so much more to me than the various hats I wear.

"I am a poster girl with no poster. I am 32 flavors and then some."




3. Talk Tonight - Oasis

This song reminds me of the sweetness of finding yourself in the middle of a long, comfortable conversation. Whether on the phone, or in person, watching the sun rise with someone you've shared a bit of yourself with, counts as some of my favorite memories.

"I wanna talk tonight, until the morning light, about how you saved my life."



4. Torn - Natalie Imbuglia

I remember when this first song came out I identified with it completely. The feeling of being so broken it wouldn't matter who came to rescue you. Even as a grown woman I've still felt this way many times in my life, not hopeless, just torn.

"You're a little late, I'm already torn."



5. Broken Road - Melodie Crittenden

Being an awkward, perpetually lovesick, young woman, I was more than relieved to be married at twenty-two.  I finally felt like I could direct all that energy I'd been wasting worrying about being loved into something far more productive. This song describes how all of those heartaches and mistakes brought me to my present.

(I threw in the Pacey & Joey YouTube edition because who doesn't love Dawson's Creek?)



6. Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

Regardless of the fact that this is found on the soundtrack to a movie that I've never seen, it's a brilliant choice for my own personal soundtrack. The song reminds me that the past is gone and it's living in the present that will reveal the true joys life.

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know, the hardest part is over?" 



7. Suddenly, I See - KT Tunstall

The woman depicted in this song is strong, captivating, and alive.  She's all the things I'd like to be admired for. I guess you could call her my musical role model.

"Suddenly, I see, why the hell it means so much to me."




8. How to Save a Life - The Fray

It's no surprise that I love Grey's Anatomy. I even written about how I don't have any hang ups when it comes to medical dramas and working in the medical field. This song inspired one of my favorite posts and totally makes me thrilled about my career.





9. Sleep - Melissa Etheridge

This is the song. The one that perfectly describes how I feel about my husband and our life together. The only video I could find of it is awful...please don't judge the song based on what you see. In fact, just listen with your eyes closed. Yeah, do that.



10. Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls

The perfect song to end with. A song describing the search for something more, something bigger than what we are.

"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear."

What I Am

I am a mother. 

I keep laundry and faces clean.

I oversee homework, appointments, and activities, read stories and correct grammar.

I make imaginary meals during tea parties and pack lunches for school.

I ward off nightmares and kiss boo boos, wipe noses and bottoms.

I am the first in the morning and the last at bedtime. 

I am a wife.

I encourage and support, listen and share.

I am the planner of social activities, vacations and family outings.

I lighten the load, update, remind, and help manage our life.

I am a sounding board for both bad days and good ideas.

I am the kiss in the morning and the whisper at bedtime.

I am a nurse.

I calm fears and comfort grief.

I tend to both seen and unseen hurts. 

I listen and teach, supplying resources and hope.

I provide compassionate care without regard to status or station.

I am the smile in the morning and the comfort at bedtime.

I am a woman.

I suffer moments of loneliness and nagging insecurities.

I need patience, trust and acceptance free from conditions.

I have my own dreams, independent of those dependent on me.

I fear losing control of everything while trying to have it all.

I am overwhelmed in the morning and depleted at bedtime.

Trust

I am an introvert.

I do well in small groups, with people I already know and feel comfortable around. I can fake it, if necessary, but not for long, and with varying results.

When I meet new people I usually smile, say hello, and then either stay and listen to their conversation, or move on. Either way, it takes a bit before new acquaintances actually get something of substance out of me.

I am protective of myself and my feelings. I am warm and kind and yes, even sincere, but I am also secretive and scared.

I am a blogger.

I discuss some of my most personal feelings and experiences in a public manner.

I put my insecurities on display for the whole wide web to read, expecting nothing in return, but always hoping to connect with someone who has, or may have had, the same feelings and/or insecurities.

I am an introverted blogger.

The two might seem incongruous, but they really aren't.

I don't mind opening up online because we are all participating, we are all sharing something. Blogging is a quid pro quo relationship wherein we all give up a little of ourselves, and get support and reassurance in return. I love my online life and the friendships I'm cultivating here.

When I finally meet up with these "bloggy friends," we will hug. We've already shared countless cups of "virtual" coffee and numerous personal anecdotes. We both know names and birthdays, accomplishments and setbacks. We're friends, and that friendship is based partly on mutual sharing; neither one being more vulnerable than the other.

Again, let me restate that I am an introverted blogger.

I get anxious when someone from my 'real life', who isn't family or pre-blog friends, begins to read my blog. Most people that I see on a daily basis don't even know I write, and wouldn't really know how to find my space, but on occasion, I will tell a new friend about it.

Then I will proceed to go home and throw up.

Seriously though, sharing myself so completely makes me vulnerable and therefore, uncomfortable. Especially if the friendship is new. Granting someone access to my private thoughts, feelings and fears without having to earn it - whether by years of following online, or getting together in person - is a risk.

There is no quid pro quo in real life, like we have online, but there should be.

Here's my advice to anyone who may have stumbled across, or been given information about, a real-in-your-life-person's blog. Especially if it's mine.

• Comment, you can do it via email if that's more comfortable for you. 
• Let me know you were visiting, or tell me about something you read that you enjoyed.
• Share something about yourself with me.

If you think about it, reading my blog, in it's entirety, is the equivalent of two years of weekly coffee visits.

What would you have shared with me over that time?

Two Years In

My first post here was January 6, 2010.

I started my blog for the sole purpose of putting things down. I wanted to start writing, to express my private thoughts and feelings. I wanted to use my blog as a way to remember and grow. I never considered having anybody, other than close friends and family, read these words, and I rarely even considered that while writing earlier posts.

I created a place for me. A place where I could express frustration and joy. A place where bragging, as well as bitching, about life and family was allowed. I never expected more than this.

This past year, I opened up. I quit lurking on other blogs and started connecting with the people behind the stories I'd been reading. I quit writing fluff and started writing what was real for me. I quit hiding and started to announce myself to those I felt a connection with.

I've felt intimidated.

I've felt vulnerable.

I've felt judged.

I've also felt accepted, understood and loved.

This space has become a refuge for my soul and a meeting place for my heart. I am so very grateful to all who've spent time here in the past and especially those who are still with me today. This has become a more comforting place then I ever imagined. It's become my online home and I look forward to spending another year, working on being as open and honest in my words as you've been in yours.

Thank you all so very much.

I write for me, I hit publish for you.

Promises, Promises

The first Monday Listicles topic of the year was submitted by A Mountain Momma and I love it! It's a twist on the normal New Year's Resolutions that we all feel obligated to make.

Here is my list of 10 New Year's Resolutions I will never keep:

1. Get more sleep. This is impossible. Aside from my crazy overnights at the hospital, there is no way I could nap any more than I already do and still keep the house and family somewhat organized. Also, how would I find time for my bloggy and twitter friends if i slept as much as I should.

2. Spend less money on take-out and fast food. Sometimes ordering pizza, rather than rummaging through the cupboards trying to round up a home cooked meal, is the only highlight of my day.

3. Drink less wine. And more beer?

4. Wear "real clothes" more often than pajamas. Okay, maybe I'll do this if I'm leaving the house, unless it's just to pick up dinner...otherwise I don't see the point.

5. Stop nagging. Because I want to pick up, put away, and clean everything in 2012?!

6. Keep my car clean and wash it regularly. As much as I hate the fact that my mom-mobile looks the part, having random toys/snackfoods hidden between the seats has saved me several times.

7. Control my Gymboree shopping habit. Thus ruining my children's future social life by not dressing them like they walked out of a catalog. Isn't it bad enough that their mother only wears pajamas?

8. Have the TV off more than on. With one child this was easier. Amelia, however loves "watching something" and frankly, so do I. Watching her dance along with the Wiggles is just too adorable to deny myself this year.

9. Fold and put away clean clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer. If there isn't anything on my DVR I can't possibly be expected to fold laundry, right?

10. Keep my bedroom clean and organized. Ha! I could totally do this at the expense of all the other rooms in the house. After picking up everyone else's crap you can't possibly expect me to have the time and/or energy to pick up my own!

I'm so excited to have a list of 10 Resolutions I'm not expected to keep.

I think it's the perfect way to start off 2012.

Best. Posts. Ever.

I am thrilled to link up some of my favorite posts from this past year for Mama Kat's!

I'm not going to do twelve though. Partly because I don't have twelve favorite posts, and partly because the ones I'm linking to, I really want people to read. With so many amazing bloggers linking up, I couldn't possibly expect you to read twelve posts from me.

So here they are, some of my favorites from 2011. Enjoy!

A Mother's Day Gift to Myself

If It's Love

I And Love And You

Where I'm From

I hope you find something to relate to so you want to come back and visit again!

Marchin On

Today's Monday Listicles comes from Amanda at Lilahbility. She asked us to talk about our hometowns. Since I don't really have any ONE specific hometown, I thought I'd make a list of ten places I've lived throughout my life. Feel free to chime in if any of these places are familiar to you.

image source

1. City of Orange, California - Yep that's right, I was born in the heart of the O.C. I don't remember anything about this place though since I was only born there, but it's totally my claim to fame so that's where I'm starting my list.

2. Covina/San Dimas, California - While my parents were still married, at least until I was six or so, I lived in the town made famous by Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure!

This is pretty much how I remember Hesperia
image source

3. Hesperia, California - After my parent's divorce, my four brothers and I lived with our father in a three bedroom home. This is the first home I really remember. I was a latch-key kid so had quite a bit of freedom to get acquainted with the neighborhood. These were some pretty wild times.

4. Hemet, California - At the age of 13, my father's third marriage brought us to Hemet. I spent almost five years there, moving after my junior year in high school. I went to Hemet High School which counts James Lafferty of One Tree Hill and Coralie Simmons of the 2000 U.S. Olympic Water Polo Team as some of their graduates.

5. Orem/Provo, Utah - The summer before my senior year of high school my family moved to Utah. I graduated from Orem High School and went on to BYU. That's right, I was raised Mormon, go ahead and pick your chin up off the floor. Interesting note: I was at BYU at the same time as Heather Armstrong, a.k.a. Dooce, I'm sure she remembers me.

I used to run through this park along the water.
image source

6. Larchmont, New York - After my short stint as a Mormon college student, I spent a year as a live-in nanny with a lovely family just outside of New York City. It was one of the most amazing years of my life. NYC is everything people say it is...only better.

7. Monterey, California - At 22, I joined the USAF, and started language training at the Defense Language Institute. There I met my gorgeous husband and convinced him to marry me.

8. San Angelo, Texas - I spent six months finishing up my language training here. I didn't have a car and only took one trip to Dallas, but I was introduced to one of the best restaurants ever and The Peasant Village is still going strong today!

9. Pasadena, Maryland - After living in an apartment for a year or so, we bought our first home, a three story townhouse. My father grew up in Pasadena, California so it was neat to be living in another Pasadena back East. We brought our son, Asher, home from the hospital to this house and lived here until April of 2005.

10. Moore, Oklahoma - Once Elijah and I were discharged from the service we moved to Oklahoma. Elijah had been raised there and I really wanted to have Asher grow up with lots of family nearby. Amelia came home to this house, but we moved shortly after her birth to Texas, where we are now and will NEVER move again!

Looking back over this list, and there were some moves that I left out, I'm realizing why I hate to move. I like to be in one place, get comfortable, make friends, grow old, and then die. I'm not interested in bouncing around from place to place. We can travel if we need to see more of the world!

All I Want For Christmas Is...

I'm back again with Monday Listicles! It took me a while to get this up because I've been sleeping all day, but you still have time to make my Christmas wishes come true.

1. The perfect pair of brown leather boots.

2. A clean bathroom.

3. A ginormous TV over the mantle so I can watch A Christmas Story in front of the fireplace.

4. All of our home flooring completed.

5. To find that Amelia's completely potty trained and finished with diapers.

6. Dozens of frosted sugar cookies, picture perfect, not baked by me.

7. A weekend escape for Elijah and I with nothing planned but watching TV and eating takeout, just like we used to do before we had kids.

8. Snow. Just over Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning. (Note: It should be melted by the time I head for work that evening.)

9. To find that those pesky last ten pounds had finally disappeared for good.

10. The ability to keep the sweet Christmas memories alive year round.

Because You're Mine, I Walk The Line

Many of you know about my failed attempts to quit smoking this year. For those of you who don't...I've failed to quit smoking this year!

Sad, but true. Especially since I was completely smoke free up until this past August. Oh well, we all have our vices. Some are just way more enjoyable and devastating to quit even though it's so bad for you stinkier than others.

Given my struggles lately, my darling man made me a trade.

This...

For these.

See, I married a clean shaven boy of 19 and have been devastated by his insistence to wear facial hair. I just can't get on board with the handlebar mustache, nor any of the other freakish ways he's been trimming it. I hate it...lots. More than he hates my smoking, I imagine, so we made a trade.

And even though I'm grumpy and totally fiening for a cigarette, I think I got the better end of the deal.

Linking this up with those wild and crazy 

iPhone Photo Phun gals:

 

Two Baby or Not Two Baby

Today's Monday Listicle is super awesome! As someone who has vacillated extensively between "our family is complete" and "wait, are you sure you don't want another baby?" I have spent a lot of time going over both sides of the argument. That's why I chose to write BOTH lists! Yippee - today's listicle gives you two for the price of one!

10 reasons why I think we should have more children:

1. I'd love a house full of family for the holidays, or really any Sunday dinner. I imagine my children, their spouses and my grandbabies coming home, gathering around the table, sharing stories of their childhood antics and fighting over who was the favorite!

2. We already have a vehicle that can accommodate eight people so we wouldn't have to buy a new car, even if we were blessed with multiples.

3. We make beautiful babies. Seriously. We should get some sort of award for the adorableness of our children.

4. Our house has plenty of room for another nursery.

5. I always wanted another baby boy, and I never got to use the name I've already chosen for him.

6. Being pregnant would make it so much easier to quit smoking!

7. A 50% increase in Trick-or-Treat candy!

8. Turning the guest bedroom into a nursery would make it impossible for my MIL to ever move in.

9. Another child would give us better odds at having someone to support us when we're old and decrepit.

10. It's the easiest way to lose eight pounds in one day!


10 reasons why I think we should NOT have more children:

1. I don't think my my body nor my self-esteem could handle losing the 60+ pounds that always seem to accompany my pregnancies.

2. I'm really enjoying sleeping at least six hours every night and can't imagine going back to two hour sleeping intervals.

3. We're almost out of diaper land!

4. I'm quickly headed into the "high risk pregnancy" area.

5. Travel is one of our favorite hobbies, and five plane tickets is substantially more than four.

6. Having been the middle child, it makes me sad to think I'd be moving Amelia from baby girl to middle child.

7. We're currently dealing with a two-year old...'nuff said.

8. Elijah's motto is "never let your pets, or your kids, outnumber you."

9. Although having a third baby wouldn't tax our budget much more, the cost of alcohol we'd need to raise three kids would be enormous.

10. Therapy for our two children is already going to be more than we can afford. I don't know how we'd pay to undo the damage to the third one.

So there you have it! Two lists, both with valid reasons, or at least OUR reasons for having or not having any more children.

Life is Beautiful

Given my recent emotional setback, I thought it appropriate to focus on something beautiful for today's post. I'm using Mama Kat's prompt and listing the seven wonders of my life - as a nurse, and patient. Some were joyful, others were filled with tears, but each experience showed the beauty of a life and they have all helped me to remain focused, calm and accepting during difficult times.

1. As a new nurse, still precepting, I witnessed grown children saying goodbye as we cared for their dying mother. She was my first patient to die. I remember her children were there around the clock on rotating shifts, reading to her, reminiscing about their childhood, thanking her for her loving care throughout their lives. We were all present when she passed and I cried with them, realizing that, I had helped them through this difficult time. I gave tenderness and love to their family and was touched to be able to share in their grief.

2. After spending 16 hours helping me labor with Asher, the nurse on shift stayed late to care for me after the birth and help me as my son latched on for the first time. Looking back, with my experience of 12 hour night shifts, I truly appreciate her dedication to patient care at the expense of her own time and energy.

3. I've watched parents, sitting vigil at the bedside of their teenage child lingering between life and death from a suicide attempt. Desperately wanting to do something, and hoping that being there just might be enough to bring their baby back to them.

4. I've held the Ambu Bag during a lengthy code, before time of death was called, as a tearful wife leaned over to tell her husband "I love our life."

5. I've seen a patient who coded several times in ICU walk into my unit upon discharge and thank me for the care I gave, grateful to be able to spend another day with loved ones.

6. During an awful snow and ice storm, I watched exhausted nurses come on shift, having slept in the hospital, to take report on patients they knew would not be safe without adequate staffing.

7. I've performed post mortem care more times than I can count. Tenderly removing lines and cleaning patients so they can be ready to be taken to the funeral home. Some find this macabre, but for me, it's a continuation of nursing care, not only for the patient, but for the family. A way to show respect for someone's life as well as those that love them.

I realize that this list may seem like a downer for some, but that's not the intent. I've learned from my career that there is beauty in even the most upsetting parts of our lives. Sometimes it's shown to us by others, sometimes we are blessed to offer it to someone else.

Written in response to a prompt from Mama Kat's.
#1. List your life's Seven Wonders. 
Describe the most amazing 7 things you've seen with your own two eyes.

The Ugly Truth

Bruna from Bees With Honey has created a new meme called "BEE beautiful You" and it couldn't have come soon enough. I've been a bit absent here, not because I don't have anything to say, I just can't seem to find the energy (or desire) to say it.

I've been struggling with myself lately. These cyclical feelings of self-loathing are starting to become a recurring theme of my life. And of this blog.

That's not what I want. It's not truly who I am. It's just how I'm feeling right now.

I don't want to be a downer. I don't want people to stop visiting because it's depressing, or because I'm too needy. I want to make people smile and laugh. I want to smile and laugh.

I know that I have so many things to be grateful for: a healthy family, a home, wonderful friends, the opportunity to work in a field that I love. I have so many blessings in my life, which is why I'm baffled by this feeling of being constantly overwhelmed.

I realize that posts for this meme are supposed to be about celebrating either yourself, or another woman's inner and outer beauty.  I guess posting about the inability to find my own beauty is a bit off topic. However, I linked up because I'm hoping to find inspiration in my fellow bloggers. People who have been able to find their light. Women, whom I admire, who just might give me a little hope so that next month, when this meme comes back around, I'll have something beautiful to say.

Back in High School

I'm participating for the first time ever in Northwest Mommy's Monday Listicles. This week's topic is about High School. Here goes!

1. My family moved the summer before my senior year.

2. I never had a steady boyfriend.

3. I was a choir nerd. I was in the original Glee type show choir for my high school.

4. I ran the 330m hurdles and lettered in track.

5. I was set up on my Homecoming date by one of my teachers.

6. I wore sweats to school, a lot. I was a total fashion disaster so #2 wasn't a shock.

7. I held the banner while marching in the Rose Parade with our band.

8. I am still close to one of my best friends from high school. Hi Mindy!

9. Lost my bathing suit top after diving in at a pool party.

10. I cut my hair often and at one point it was shorter on one side than the other. (#2!)

My Hidden Truth

I never wanted to have kids.

As a girl, I imagined my future held a career, a condo in the city (any city, really) and a two seater sportscar. I dreamed of vacations in Europe, long weekends at the beach, and quiet nights curled up with a good book and a glass of wine. I'd always been a serial long term dater so I knew I wouldn't spend my entire life alone but that didn't have to mean I'd get married. I dreamt of an orderly, quiet, self sufficient life.

I think I hear my 20 year old self crying in a corner somewhere.

I can't really fault her.

I was five years old when my mother moved out, leaving my four brothers and I with our father. I was the middle child and my youngest brother wasn't yet a year old. My father raised us as a single parent until he remarried eight years later. Other than bits of overheard conversation and snatches of watered down memories, I have no idea what happened between my parents. I know it's cliche as a child of divorce to blame yourself, and while I realize she and my father had to have had other problems, I can't help but believe that her life, and their life together, would have been easier if there hadn't been children involved.

I know my life would be.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, at 22, I met Elijah and fell in love. Fast and hard. After three months together I couldn't imagine life without him and three months after that succeeded in convincing that 19 year old boy to marry me.

We spent three blissful, childless years together. We rarely went out, preferring to stay in with a good movie, take-out Thai food and a bottle of red. We never traveled beyond a few U.S. road trips and didn't even have our passports. We had two cars, both with four seats. We bought a dog, a house and finally felt ready to bring home a baby.

All my plans, hopes and dreams for my future were reshaped or replaced in 2003.

And again in 2009.

Since becoming a mother I have been out of the country (sans children) four times, driven a Mazda Miata (no room for a carseat in that bad boy!), spent a long weekend drinking on an adult only beach in Mexico, managed to read at least a book a month, and have had countless bottles of amazing wine.

The funny thing is that I probably wouldn't have done any of these things if my children hadn't forced me to carve out time for myself and my husband. I wouldn't have fought so hard during the rough spots. I would have gotten more sleep and I'd have nicer clothes, but I might not have Elijah. With nothing to keep us tethered together we could have easily slipped apart. Being married so young means growing together, and that's far more difficult than growing apart. Our children have become a catalyst in helping us ensure that we keep our relationship healthy, that we remain connected, in love, and supportive of each other's goals.

I would never want to go back and change the decision to have children but the truth is, I am sad for that 20 year old girl sometimes.

Her dreams came true and she doesn't even know it.

Yep, I did that.

This week for Mama Kat's I chose to make a list of 22 things I've done. I hope this gives you a little more information about who I am and where I've been. Enjoy!

I'm 34 and I have:

1. Spent a year in New York as a live in nanny.

2. Learned Russian at DLI so you don't have to.

3. Finally made it to a New Kids on the Block concert, 20 years late and 7 months pregnant!

4. Ate steak frites with my father in France.

5. Danced on a ballroom dance team.

6. Met the love of my life and convinced him (at 19) to marry me six months later.

7. Served in the United States Air Force.

8. Gained 60+ pounds with BOTH pregnancies and lost it.

9. Went parasailing.

10. Spent two summers working at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.

11. Attended Brigham Young University.

12. Got two tattoos, the first in Miami when I was 20 and the second in Vegas at 34.

13. Earned my RN.

14. Perfected the recipe to make the BEST RICE KRISPIE TREATS EVER.

15. Ran two half-marathons.

16. Visited Amsterdam's red light district.

17. Was the lead singer in a band (I even have a two song CD to remind me).

18. Donated my hair to locks of love.

19. Spent a week exploring Dublin.

20. Pierced my own ear.

21. Flew on a plane that caught on fire and had to make an emergency landing.

22. Had my feet in both the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.

Written in response to a prompt from Mama Kat's.
#1. Write a list of 22 things you have done.

Touching Base

I've dubbed the next four weeks my "Month of Pain." With Asher's, birthday and my inevitable overspending at Christmas looming ahead, I've decided to buckle down and take any (and mostly all) shifts offered to me - within reason, I'm not a machine.

I think I have about four shifts scheduled per week, which may not seem like much but they take a lot out of me. Most days I don't even sit down to pee until eight hours into a shift. Don't mistake this as a complaint, being busy really helps the shift go by and I'm loving the work. I am constantly learning and it's nice to feel myself growing again as a nurse. I look forward to going to work instead of dreading it, like before. I am happier both at home and at work and I feel like being in this new department is a big part of that.

Working more has given Elijah and I an opportunity to fine tune our homemaking skills as well. He is pulling more than his fair share of the weight in that department, coming home in the evenings and finishing laundry, straightening the house and completing any other tasks I've left on his "honey do" list. I am so grateful for his willingness to take on more to ensure that things still go smoothly for me and the kids. Working together, often on opposite schedules, can be difficult, and I miss our evening routine and conversations, but this is a short term absence and I think we're handling it beautifully.

So don't worry if I don't check in as often.

Things are good.

I am happy.

The Many Drinks of MarVal

Last weekend marked our annual cabin camping trip. It's pretty much my favorite weekend of the year because it means that Fall is finally here and all my favorite family holidays are just around the corner!

For this weeks iPPP post, I thought I'd share some pictures Elijah took of me. It won't take you long to realize why I love this weekend!

While uploading the photos, I realized that I'm wearing the same outfit in all four pictures! We took them all in one day but I swear they weren't all at the same time. Geez...this post makes me look like a boozehound. Oh well, blog with integrity.

Linking this up with those wild and crazy 

iPhone Photo Phun gals:

 

Me, Myself and Time

Something's missing, I can tell.

I feel it every time I go outside to light up.

I notice when I'm headed to bed, but make a detour to 'let Chester out just one more time.'

The funny thing is, although I'd been feeling this void, the thought hadn't actually occurred to me that I was trying to fill it. I didn't have an epiphany during one of my trips outside, or in a fleeting moment of self discovery. Nope, it was pointed out to me...by a friend.

That's why we have other mother friends.

I have a weekly coffee/yoga/gossip date with a friend and this past week we discussed my feelings about this new addiction of mine. I expressed how this time around it's seemingly impossible to quit, how I've never had this sort of trouble before and frankly, I was more than a little concerned about my apparent weakness.

I discussed how much I enjoy sitting alone outside with a book, in the stillness, even if only for 10-15 minutes at a time. How it's become a routine that offers a tiny bit of sanctuary and silence that I'm not normally allowed, not even in the bathroom.

Sweetly she pointed out that it's possible something was missing. That I steal these moments because everything other aspect of my life - mother, wife, nurse - requires me to attend to someone else. That it's the one time I'm allowed to sit and just be, with no expectation beyond reading. It's a reason to take a time out.

She's right.

Now all I have to do is find something else, something a bit more healthy and less emotionally damaging to myself (read: GUILT). I'm honestly not sure what that's going to be. The other night the two of us checked out a dance studio in case that was something I might want to get back into. We've been bouncing around ideas ever since the morning of our last coffee date and I know that something will click with me. Something I can do just for me, with me. Something that helps me be better when I'm with others, because I've started to take care of myself.

We're headed to our yearly cabin camping excursion today. I'm excited to unplug, spend time with my family and maybe use the silence for a little introspection. Hopefully I'll come back smoke-free with an idea about how to take better care of Marina.

I'll let you know.

Fall to Pieces

I'm about to post something embarrassing. While some of you might be thinking, this won't be the first time, just try to pretend that it is. It is definitely the first time I've posted something THIS embarrassing (to me). As well as the first time I've broached this particular subject.

(Read: validation is necessary)

I'm a nurse in the Emergency Room at my local hospital. It's a nice, quiet, fairly new community hospital and I've been there (on one floor or another) for over a year. I am new to the ER, but am learning the pace and really enjoying the work. While we don't get crazy traumas, we do occasionally get the craziness expected at an ER, however for the most part, our patients are normal people with normal, treatable issues.

I enjoy caring for most of the patients. I usually only have them on the unit for a few hours before they are either discharged home, transferred to another facility, or admitted to another floor. This short amount of time gives me the opportunity to get them situated, learn a little about their background, treat them, and then move on. There is rarely enough time to become annoyed or angry with someone unless the person is just in that sort of a mood. I get those patients as well, but they don't really bother me that much. I am usually able to do my work in a professional manner, and move on. Nope, the mean ones aren't the patients that make my life difficult.

It's the attractive ones.

Yep, I said it....and I am so embarrassed.

It's true. Sometimes I have been attracted to my patients. Rarely, oh so rarely, I will have a patient that makes it difficult to concentrate, focus, speak, or keep myself from acting a fool. I'm dead serious. I'm only human and am therefore unable make my heart beat slower or my hands stop sweating just because I'm a professional caregiver.

Working with the patient population that I'm usually exposed to, it's not THAT common. In fact, in the two years I've been nursing, I can really only remember it happening twice. I am only writing about this because it happened just recently and I'm still feeling a little thrown or uneasy. I'm thinking that if I just put this 'out there' then maybe all the weirdness will go away. Also, I think it's uber important for people to understand that this possibility exists, even for the most amazingly, wonderfully, professionally, minded nurses such as myself. And if you are an attractive sick person you should prepare yourself accordingly.

Your hospital care provider may have a crush on you.
 
So don't flirt with the people taking care of you. You can be nice, make jokes, give compliments...but don't flirt with the staff. Believe me, we can tell the difference. It is hard enough to start an IV without my hands shaking because my impeccably groomed, soft spoken, great smelling, sweet smiling, patient won't stop flirting with me...even if it does seem subtle.

There. That is all. Now, let's never speak of this again.