Confession (What's Inside My Head)

I hope this is the week that Elijah forgets to check the blog. I hope this post gets buried beneath next week's book review so he doesn't notice it because...I have a confession to make. And I'm afraid that if he reads it, out here, in public, he will bring it up in arguments discussions for years to come and I'm not quite ready for that.

I want to have another kid.

By that I mean, I'd like to have another adorable little miniature of us running around my house, potty trained and ready for school. Seriously though, some days, the idea that Amelia is that last one makes me so sad. Except for yesterday. Yesterday it was perfectly fine that the child screaming throughout the house was my last. Yesterday after two of the sickest diaper changes, I was absolutely fine with seeing an end to cleaning up someone else's poopie bottom.

That's the problem with these feelings. I go back and forth (sometimes within the hour), from wanting to have another little love bug, to screaming about how there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me knocked up again. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I completely alone in feeling both longing and repulsion at the same time?

What I'd like to hear about, is not how happy people were when they had another baby, but how happy they were when they didn't. Who has been through this, decided that their family was complete and was okay with it? Who else worries about how on earth they can pay for plane tickets if they have any more kids? Who decided "NO MORE" because they didn't want to drive a mini-van?

I realize that this is a personal decision (and Elijah can have a say as well, I guess) but I could use some help clarifying the feelings of loss about being finished with the childbearing part of my life, and the desire to actually raise another human being.

Hoppy Birthday Baby!

We celebrated Amelia's 2nd birthday over Easter Weekend. Her grandparents were coming down for the party so we decided it'd be more fun to have them over for the egg-citing festivities as well as her birthday celebration. We grilled brats, beat on a pinata and had some ice cream cake (the staple of birthday parties in our house). It was a small gathering of friends and family that couldn't have been more perfect.

Thank You Easter Bunny!

Remember that commercial? In case you don't, I've linked it. Wasn't it super awesome?!



After the egg hunt, I spent far too long trying to get my kids to stand with their baskets and say "Thank You Easter Bunny!" They totally didn't get it. They had no frame of reference for my request. And since we did the egg hunt in the front yard rather than the back (due to the fact that there were FOUR DOGS at my house and there was NO WAY I was hiding edible goodies in their bathroom) the neighbors got a good crazy lady show as well. Good fun.

There are thirteen pictures people! Thirteen pictures of the EXACT SAME POSE! We sat in the front yard trying over and over to get at least one good shot. The gods of photography did not smile on us, as you can see.

Oh well, I only have about 160 more photos of the holiday. I may do a photo link later this week because some of them are adorable and otherwise what's the point of taking 175 pictures of your kids in a 40 minute span if you aren't going to upload it for others to see? Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Easter weekend.

Happy Earth Day Earthlings!

Asher told me that he'd like to spend this year's Earth Day at a park picking up and recycling trash.  I'm not exactly sure how to go about searching for a dirty park, so we may just settle for playing at a clean one.

Either way, I wanted to leave you guys with some pretty pictures of the newly planted nature in our front yard. It's nothing spectacular, but it adds color and I actually helped with the planting. Seriously...I got my hands dirty rather than just sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and barking out orders. My how grown up I've become.

 

This type of work takes a lot of helpers so we were glad when Asher was willing to let us wheel him around while he ate his popsicle.

Seriously though, Asher was very helpful. He was most excited about spreading the fertilizer though, even after we explained to him what fertilizer actually was. Boys...yick!

Even though we were only planting a little patch, it took a lot of adorable muscle to get everything done. Thank goodness both are plentiful at my house!

 

I swear I helped! This picture was taken before the dirtying of the hands. Fact: Beer must be consumed before germy dirt is handled.

Almost done! The placement is all me people, all me!

And the final shot...well had I been a good blogger I would've gotten a final shot. Oh well, it looks good from the street...trust me.

Happy Earth Day!

I and Love and You

Love notes come in all sorts of shapes and sizes some come attached to gifts of flowers, candy, CARS!, trips, tickets, or homemade gift certificates. Some are extravagant and expensive while others are seemingly simple and plain.

I get a love note from Elijah at least every week. It comes in the form of two children. One has been fed, readied and taken to school, while the other has been chauffeured to my hospital and sits waiting for my shift to end with glass her of milk, cup of cereal and a smile.

After our post/pre-work child exchange I head home, exhausted but relieved to have another twelve hours behind me. Upon arrival, I am always greeted with a clean kitchen and the most beautiful sight ever...the red light of the coffee maker indicating a warm cup is only a few seconds away.

These little things, happy, well fed, well rested children, a clean house and a hot cup of coffee are the little love notes Elijah leaves me every week. The thing is, I don't expect these expressions of love. I know how easy it is for the evening to get out of hand. I know after a ten hour day, he's exhausted and is well within his rights to want to go to bed as soon as Asher is down. Which is why I'm always so grateful when I see the house in this condition.

I always call after I've showered and have started breakfast. I want to be sure that he knows how much I appreciate his thoughtfulness, how much I love him, and how lucky I feel that he is willing to put forth this extra effort for me.

He often shrugs off my thanks. Maybe he truly doesn't know how much these little acts of kindness touch me. As a rule, he's never been overly demonstrative. He's okay with PDA but isn't too forthcoming with praise and compliments. After 11 years, I've come to realize that his love is shown through things like this. Daily, weekly, even yearly thoughtful acts. That's how I know he loves me. It's how I know he's thinking of me while I'm away. It's how I know that I'm not dragging him, unwillingly, through our life, we're making this crazy journey together.

Locavore

I was completely taken in by this book. I loved it. It's a bit overwhelming and a lot to process, but I absolutely bought into it. Because of this book we have started buying local. We're not crazy nuts about it, we just hit the local farmer's market (which is year round, by the way!) every Saturday we can. I'm big on meat and eggs. We buy produce as well, but I'm not obscene about it. I mean, they don't exactly sell locally grown pineapples in Texas!

Anyway, this book was amazing. It completely changed the way I feed my family and I'm so grateful to have read this. There is such a great message here. Especially, in it's discussion of the actual environmental implications of global organic farming. Must read. Cannot wait to start his other book, In Defense of Food.

That New Car Smell

We're looking for a new car. Sort of. Not really. But kind of.

I'm the one that started the conversation/search. I think driving our 1994 Isuzu Trooper (which I have nicknamed "shitbox") is getting to me. Plus, there are some things that need to be done to it that Elijah isn't too keen on doing. I guess since he spends all day working on other people's cars, he doesn't really feel like taking our cars apart on his days off. I get it, but really, is there any other reason to become a mechanic? The whole point is so we can drive that stupid shitbox until it CANNOT BE FIXED by anyone...right? I do understand though, it's not like I want to take care of sick people on my days off...although that job does fall to me.

Either way I really wanted to get through the next few years without car payments. Our other car, a 2003 BMW 325i, is paid off as well and it's really nice not sending off all our fun money to the car people. I'm struggling with this decision. I think I should just wait until the shitbox dies completely and then look into getting something new, but I am so very vain. And to be perfectly honest, we do need more room, in a more reliable vehicle. Especially as the kids get older and we start planning road trips. It's nerve racking driving a car that you're not too sure is going to take you all the way to your destination.

I'd love an X5. But sadly, I'm a realist and refuse to pay for an X5. I would buy a used one, but since my husband is a BMW mechanic and knows what goes wrong and when, he's not to excited about getting something he may have to work on. He wants us to buy new. Who has ever heard of a mechanic wanting a new car?!!! Seriously, somebody help me understand!

Anyway, I've had two glasses of wine and know that I am rambling so I'll get to the point because I'm pretty sure I had one. We're looking at a few SUVs that have third row seating. Namely, the Nissan Pathfinder, Honda Pilot and Mazda CX-9. I guess we'll drive them and decide what to do. I'm so not excited about this...yet I do love that new car smell.

Don't Carry It All

This is the purse I carry practically every day.

(I actually hate that it's black, and would love to find a dark brown Kate Spade similar to this one, so if you come across something, let me know. Hello tangent!)

Anyway, it's much smaller than most of the purses my friends use, but it's just the right size for me. You see, I pretty much only need to be able to fit three things: wallet, phone and keys. Anything else that fits, like my Canon powershot, or various treats, is just gravy.

Upon contemplating what my purse contents "say about me" I realized something very important about myself. An epiphany, if you will.

When it comes to road trips, family activities or any other adventure we take together, I am always the packer. And I pack as if I we are headed into the wilderness, traveling to the furthest edges of civilization, where we will be unable to buy any necessities. Therefore, everything from food to seasonal clothing to extra bedding and utensils must be crammed into the family car.

However on my daily travels; taking the kids to and from school, heading to the gym, running my various "mommy errands" I don't feel like I need to bring anything besides the basics. I don't worry about being prepared for the unexpected. Sometimes we even go out without extra diapers! I have been known to, more than once, buy diapers and wipes just to change Amelia in the store bathroom.

To me, this says that while I am anxious about traveling to new places, I am very comfortable in our home/city/neighborhood. I know that whatever I need, I can get. I know that there will be no dire emergency or crisis that I am unable to handle. I feel capable and relaxed. As long as I always have my wallet, keys, and some way to check Facebook and Twitter!

Written in response to a prompt from:

 

The Obligatory Bluebonnet Photos

(This is my blog, so I get top billing!)

Not being from Texas, I had no idea that Bluebonnet photos were such a big thing. We missed the flowers last year, not because we weren't here, but because, aside from the large fields along the highway, a thick spot of them are pretty hard to find. Also, they have a fairly short window of flowering time and sometimes the weather and the blooming of the Bluebonnets don't cooperate with each other. But I was determined to get the kids out and in the flowers this year!

I heard about this field from a friend, it was also suggested online and on Twitter (I wasn't leaving anything to chance) it was probably much thicker last weekend, but again, the weather wasn't favorable to pictures when we were available. Anyway, here is what we got, I think every shot I picked for this post is from Elijah's camera. Mine are adorable of course, but his are brilliant.  Enjoy!

 Asher kept Amelia occupied so Elijah & I

could get some shots together.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

"If you really knew me, you would know that..."

Loaded prompt this week eh? I figured I'd compile a list of the things those closest to me should/do know, some of the answers will be provided so that you can get to know me a little better as well. Some of the answers will not be provided...yet...or ever...or only if I get really drunk one night and find myself at my blogger dashboard.

Alright, here goes nothing.

If you really knew me, you would know that...

1. Grande Caramel Macchiato w/whipped.
2. Besides my Associates Degree in Nursing, I also hold an Associates in Russian. Those who know me, know how I got it. Those who really know me, know that I'm terribly disappointed to be in my 30's and still not have that elusive Bachelor's Degree.
3. Sometimes I have a beer in the shower...at 8 o'clock in the morning. Of course on those days it's because I'm just getting home from work and sometimes, after twelve plus hours on a Med/Surg floor, you need a shower AND a beer at the exact same time.
4. I almost always order the same thing at Mexican restaurants: cheese enchiladas w/verde sauce, rice and refried beans. I say almost because occasionally I think I should change things up, order something else, then sulk through the entire meal. If you really knew me, you would always try to talk me out of ordering anything besides my usual dish.
5. On first invitation, for anything, I will most likely say no. It doesn't mean I don't want to make plans or that I don't want to do what was suggested. It's just that my first instinct is to say no. I'm not interested in doing/learning/being/trying anything new, thank you very much. I'm trying to train myself to say "let me think about that" but the people who know me best know better than to accept my first no. They expect that I'll soon warm up to the idea, I just need a little extra time to ruminate. 
6. Jif (creamy) is the only peanut butter in the world. Period. Don't even try to convince me that any other kind of peanut butter exists and don't you dare attempt to bring them into my house.
7. There is one elective surgery I'm very interested in shelling out my hard earned money for.
8. I rarely splurge, but if I do, it's usually on bags. And people who are close to me know that Kate Spade is my favorite. To me, her designs are simple, elegant, classic and timeless.

So there you have it. A few things about me that most people don't know about me. How many of them were a surprise and how many were common knowledge for you?

Written in response to a prompt from:

Controlling the Chaos

I'm an organized person.

I usually pack for trips two weeks in advance. I make multiple drafts of "to do" lists just to ensure I don't miss anything. When we head out on a road trip, I am the one placing packed items by the door for Elijah to fit into the car. I make sure that the DVD player is charged, the snack basket is full, and Chester has a place to stay. I am responsible for making all appointments pertaining to family members (including Chester), paying all bills, keeping track of everyone's school, work and extra curricular activities, and making sure that we also have fun family time at least once a month.

I'm not complaining. I live for this shit. I thrive in my world of lists and order and planning.

However, for all my scheduling and planning, I am still imperfect. Occasionally items get missed, lost, misplaced, left behind or undone. It's not usually anything that can't be picked up at the nearest gas station or grocery store, but still, when I've forgotten something I always end up feeling a little "less than." Which just makes me even more compulsive about planning for the next event.

After two kids, I'm beginning to discover a major flaw with the controlling planner part of my personality. It leaves very little room for flexibility. After years of manipulating my world, I have become almost completely incapable of just "winging it."

Take tonight's soccer practice for example. I had the whole evening planned out.

• 4:30 put on water to boil
• 4:45 throw in pasta - cut tomatoes
• 5:00 dinner
• 5:15 dinner done, clear table get soccer stuff and kids into car
• 5:30 leave for the field

Unfortunately, Elijah called mid plan asking me to bring him a hat. He also mentioned that I could drop Asher off early because he'd be there and it might be nice for him to kick the ball around before practice started. This throws me into a complete tizzy, wherein I rush around the house trying to get things together and throw the kids into the car, leaving everything at home; cleats, shin guards, Elijah's hat, etc. I did remember the soccer balls though so score for me!

I am beginning to learn that life, especially with kids, is chaos. And that particular brand of chaos is difficult to control. I tell myself that parents forget shin guards. That I will probably forget other stuff and it will be okay. But don't think for a second that I wasn't online tonight trying to find a soccer bag to place by the door so that this never happens on my watch again!