The Real Me

This May I wanted to update my About Me page since my birthday month posts were supposed to be all about me.

I barely finished it in time. You'll laugh when you visit and probably wonder why such a short piece took me so long to complete but true perfection takes time.

Enjoy!

The Kitchen Is Closed

Meals are important to me.

I cannot stress that first sentence enough so let me repeat myself.

Meals are important to me.

Elijah and I have always spent a lot of time (and money) on eating. We try new restaurants, grill out, find new recipes for both special occasions and every day meals, or just pick up take-out. We love food. Eating a good meal together is more than just physically satisfying. In fact, it's been a running theme of our relationship. For the past twelve years we've been sharing wonderful meals together. And our best dates always include great food and conversation whether alone or with friends.

We have always eaten dinner together nightly. We'll open a bottle of wine, spend the evening in the kitchen then clean up together. After a long day, it's comforting to sit down at the table and break bread with the one you love.

Then we had kids.

At first, with Asher, we'd feed him and put him to bed before we had dinner together. We've always put the kids to bed pretty early so it wasn't a big deal to eat an hour or so after that. Now however, we're wanting to have family dinners. We want our kids to join in the experience; discuss the good and bad parts of our days, plan for the future, learn more about each other. The problem, however, is...the food.

They hate everything I make. Amelia's only two so she sort of gets a pass to run around the table half naked refusing or begging for bites from our plates. But Asher, Oh-Em-Ge, he is going to be the undoing of my sanity.

Every week, when I make the grocery list, I ask everyone what they'd like for dinner. Asher gets a say, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, on the day that I make whatever he's chosen, he may just decide that he doesn't want, or even like, the meal. One day his favorite meal is ribs and the next day he doesn't want anything to do with it.

The point is, it's making me crazy. And the arguments had gotten so bad that I've now started a cooking boycott. I'm not cooking for the family anymore. I'm tired of the stress the complaining, the whining, the screaming, the crying. Elijah thinks that I should just "not care" but that's not really something that I can do. I HATE to cook. So when I spend all this time in the kitchen, only to hear people bitch about it, it pisses me off.

There is no way to sugar coat it. I'm mad that my children have ruined the best part of my day. I've had extensive conversations with both Asher and Elijah and have reached the conclusion that they need to figure out something that works. Until then, the kitchen is closed. I'm not so much as heating up a pizza for any one*.


*Of course, I'm still feeding Amelia but since she will only eat oatmeal, cereal and milk, it's not that big of a deal.

Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days of Summer

The following is a personally tailored list of Miss Marina Star's Top 10 Summer Don'ts. Meaning that, if you're not controlling and crazy like me, you probably don't need to follow any of my advice. You're most likely already well on your way to having a kick ass summer!

1. Don't neglect sunscreen. The fact that your husband has dubbed you "the whitest Mexican he's ever met" isn't actually a good reason to neglect your skin protection. Use sunscreen, even if you aren't planning to be in the sun. As long as you spend enough time out of your pajamas doing something outside of the house, you'll end up with a nice, healthy color.
2. Don't forget what it's like to be off for summer break as a kid. Make sure you plan enough late night, sleepover, junk food filled movie marathons for Asher. He needs to feel like he had a full kid-tastic summer. Try to keep the last few weeks before school starts as open as possible for free play and vegging out in front of one screen or another. Your kids have been great-ish this year so they deserve a few days of brain numbing down time.
3. Don't spend all your time inside, regardless of how hot it is. Seriously, there is a reason you have more pairs of winter pajamas. Winter is the season for lazy days and Phineas and Ferb marathons. Summer days are for exploring outside your comfort zone. Make some memories that include pictures of you actually wearing a bra!
4. Don't shy away from adventure. You live in a part of America that has a seemingly endless supply of kid centered activities. From public splash pads, to museums, to free kids summer movies at the Alamo. You should be able to find something new to try at least once a week. Asher will probably protest the most initially, but just take a Xanax, pack some snacks, and hopefully by the end of the summer he'll start looking forward to having new adventures and trying new things. If not, don't worry, you've been saving for his therapy since his birth...he'll work through it.
5. Don't obsess about your bathing suit body. What fun is summer without a little indulgence. Go ahead and have that ice cream, whenever you feel like it, every day if you want. Chasing the ice cream man down the street constitutes some form of exercise so feel free to get two if you are having trouble making a choice.
6. Don't neglect yourself. You deserve a few pedicures this summer...as well as a wax or two. Take a few afternoons this summer (especially before the big beach trips) and indulge at the spa. You totally deserve to have adorable pink toenails and the absence of shaving bumps.
7. Don't hesitate to buy and read all your guilty pleasure magazines. Let's be honest, you love People and US Weekly and just about anything that has a little trash talking celebrity gossip. Just buy the magazines already and enjoy your time in the sun, by the pool, at the beach, or just drinking beer in the living room. Get your fill of trash so you can be ready to finish your NPR reading list by year's end.
8. Don't fail to plan that girls trip to Mexico. You and Kathryn Nash of Mixed Handbag fame actually do deserve (and desperately need) a girl's only weekend getaway. Just plan it and buy your tickets already. DO IT...NOW!
9. Don't start smoking again! I'm not saying you can't indulge a bit (on occasion when the kids aren't looking) but absolutely no more of last summer's "now I'm totally re-hooked and must start smoking to maintain my sanity" nonsense.
10. Don't Stop Believing! Sorry, but ten was just too many for me to think of!

So there you have it, ten foolproof ways to have fun this summer if you're crazy like a fox me. 

Written in response to a prompt from Mama Kat's.
#5. Your top 10 Summer Don'ts.

Sunday Outing

This photo pretty much sums up our family outings these days. We get some great shots (as you'll see) but mostly the day is filled with weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. I'm not saying that I don't have the cutest children on the planet, I'm just saying, don't let the adorable pictures fool you, my children can, and are apt to be, little monsters (and I'm not referring to those tame Lady Gaga fans either).

That being said, here are some pictures from our trip to Mc Kinney Falls Park last weekend. It was a beautiful day, we took the new car and had a great time exploring nature. Really, I swear.

Animal

If you are at all interested in true stories about man hunting Tigers in Russia, then just go out and get this book already. I loved it. I thought it a fascinating story with just a touch of "look what man has done to destroy nature" thrown in for good measure.

Don't let the fact that I'm totally enthralled with anything that has to do with Russia dissuade you from reading this book. Even if you don't care about the Taiga, it really was an interesting read.

This Is War

Let's just say that last week I lost the battle but am still fighting the war. I know my home, family and blog have suffered due to my "lack of desire to get off my ass and be productive. I did have a big burst of energy on Thursday, but I think I blew my wad cleaning the downstairs and washing about 15 loads of laundry. Oh well, now is the time to start fresh, right?

A new week.

Another attempt at four days in the gym.

A second chance to play with Amelia instead of letting her watch four hours of The Simpsons Christmas every day. (Another Sim-son? Another Sim-son?)

I will also shoot for Asher making it to school his last two weeks of First Grade instead of missing a day because "mommy slept in!" (I will neither confirm nor deny whether or not that actually happened last week.)

So here's to new beginnings.

Having a clean slate.

Starting anew.

Here's to hoping that I can translate all my exciting ideas into amazing results and actually have the guilt free mommy, wife and nurse experience I've always dreamed of.

Or maybe, I'll just go with the flow, be grateful that I'm able to catch up on Grey's Anatomy instead of cleaning the kitchen and open another bottle of wine tonight.

Not Just My Big Day

Elijah had to work on my birthday. Not actual work, but he had to work on one of our cars so he spent about 6 hours or so at his shop. It was a total bummer, not just because I didn't get to start my birthday with a delicious pancake breakfast, but also because I had the kids all day...ALONE.

And Asher had his yellow belt test.

Normally, during Asher's Taekwondo class Amelia and I run around the shopping center where his Dojang is located. She literally RUNS around the sidewalk and I just try to keep up and prevent her from falling. This time though, I really wanted to see Asher test so I pulled out the big guns...the iPad. I've already loaded some kids apps for her and we sometimes use it during Asher's swimming lessons so I can watch, but taking it to Taekwondo was a special treat for her.

Unfortunately, after AN HOUR AND A HALF of waiting the novelty wore off and we were back outside running around the shopping center, me crying on the phone to Elijah (who was working on the car) that I was going to miss my baby's first board breaking test. The tears were for naught though, we made it back in time to see him break his first board.

And my boy is now a yellow belt!

Where's My Big Red Bow?!!

I got the best birthday present from Elijah this year.

Permission to go into debt.

I realize that doesn't sound too awesome, but for me it was just what I wanted.

I didn't go crazy though. For example, I didn't get the leather or sunroof (bummer), but I also didn't get the crappy red color either. I spent just a bit more than he was comfortable with, but he LET me do everything myself. That's right, this co-dependent little woman did the test drive the haggling (not very well, I might add) and the loan all by her lonesome. I am a bit suspicious that he let me put it entirely in my name though. I wonder if he's planning on buying himself a mid life crisis car and therefore doesn't want to be saddled with my debt.

Asher said that was his "cool look."

New Shoes!

Found this little thing while blog hopping the other day and I'm super excited to participate! You should do it too!

I'll Be There For You

I can't explain my continuing love for you, but it's there. I own, and still enjoy watching, every season. If I'm flipping through channels, I always stop on you becoming completely engrossed as if I don't know what's going to happen next. I still find quoting you to be totally relevant, which may explain some of the odd looks I get in social situations, but people who "get me" understand.

• "How you doin'?"
• "I know!"
• "We were on a break!"
• "Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
    Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault."
• "Not just a hat rack my friend."
• "Fine by me!"
• "Pivot! Pivot!"
• "You fell ASLEEEP?!!!"
•  Rachel to Ross: "And just so you know, it doesn't happen to every guy, it's not all that common and it is a big deal."
  Chandler: "I knew it!" 
• "Ah, salmon skin roll."
• "We got some Vicks in some places."

As far as television shows go these days, in my estimation, nothing has been able to replace you. I long for my "Must See TV," looking forward to spending Thursdays curled up in front of the television with a beer and some popcorn. Wondering what's going to happen with Ross & Rachel, being excited to see Monica & Chandler get together, plus at the end they added Paul Rudd. PAUL RUDD!!!!

I will always love you and make room for you in my life. And I promise that once the kids are gone, and I'm retired, I'll spend an entire week watching every season from beginning to end. After all you've given me, I feel like you deserve a little of me in return.

P.S. If this post seems a bit incoherent, it's because I was actually watching Friends while writing this and it's totally distracting!

Written in response to a prompt from Mama Kat's.
#5. Write a love letter to someone (some thing?) you love.

Mother's Day Recap

I had a wonderful Mother's Day. Instead of gifts Elijah did all my chores for this week (my birthday week!) so I don't have laundry, cleaning or grocery shopping to do. It was the perfect week long gift.

We spent a quiet day at home. I had worked the night before so Elijah woke up early and a breakfast of biscuits with sausage gravy and mimosas was waiting for me when I walked in. I slept a few hours then was up in time for another home made meal. We finished the evening off with strawberry pie, a total favorite of mine, and had a nice early bedtime. It truly was a perfect day. The only thing I had to do was open the fancy, $13, bottle of wine we had with dinner. I am so grateful to have such a loving, serving family.

A Mother's Day Gift to Myself

I was recently introduced to an amazing website, The Shape of a Mother. The site collects photos and stories of women during pregnancy and after childbirth. Real photos, real women. Stretch marks and saggy breasts abound.

It was a wake-up call for me as I'm pretty resentful of my post baby body. I'm not one of those women who loves the imperfections because they remind me of my children. I often long for my previously perky body and have even looked into surgical options in order to get back to how I once looked. For the record, all this insecurity and self loathing has nothing to do with my husband's view of me. In fact, he's told me several times how much he loves my body and I am confident in his love.

No, these feelings are all me. And it's all so foreign. I don't have the necessary skills to combat the way I feel in my own skin. I'm not looking for compliments, I just want to open a dialogue, give my physical history and maybe (hopefully) find a way to be proud of what my body has accomplished instead of resentful for not being able to look like the air-brushed images that surround me.

In high school, I don't ever recall being insecure about my body. I mean, sure I didn't have much of a figure until after 19, but I was always thin (5'5," 115-ish), looked good in pretty much whatever was in style (though I seriously lacked fashion sense and still do), and didn't feel uncomfortable about wearing a bathing suit.

That's not to say that my high school years lacked angst. It's just that, my teenage angst came from my complete and total cluelessness about boys in general (although having 7 brothers really should have prepared me better) and the fact that I was always the friend boy's talked to about the hottie they wanted. It was a pathetic cycle I was doomed to repeat for years, but like I said, at least I didn't have body image issues, right?

You might say I bloomed after high school when I finally got on the pill (hooray for boobs!) and that's when I appreciated my body the most. I had gained a little weight but in all the right places and was more than happy about how I looked. And can you blame me?

The kids in the photo belong to a family I lived with when I was a nanny.

Ignore the makeup, I was too hopeless for words.

Fast forward to me joining the USAF and shipping off to basic training. Throughout my first year or so, I gained muscle, confidence and about 6lbs. Putting me at 5'5" and 121 on my wedding day. After marrying Elijah there was the usual "fat and happy" gain of a couple of pounds but for the most part I stayed trim.

Three years into our marriage we decided to start a family. We had such an easy time getting pregnant, and I had a safe, low risk, 'born to have babies' type of pregnancy. The ONLY complication was my constant craving for Pizza Hut's pan pepperoni pizza and the fact that inhaling them over 40 weeks caused me to gain 65 lbs. That's right, when I weighed in for Asher's delivery I was 186 lbs.

Please don't try to tell me I don't look "that big" in this photo. This was taken in July 
when I was five months along; he wasn't born until November.

It took me a year of dieting and hard work but I was able to lose the weight after having Asher however, my body didn't look the same. I don't have noticeably large stretch marks or anything like that, it's just that things seemed out of place. I had Amelia almost six years later and was the biggest I'd ever been during her pregnancy. I weighed 192 at my OB appointment the week before I was induced.

This picture was taken three days before I was induced with Amelia and yes me standing in 

front of a whale was the 'look' that the photographer (Elijah) intended.

They didn't even weigh me when I checked into the hospital. 
The nurse just quietly whispered the question during my intake interview.

Now I am the proud mother of a seven year old son and two year old daughter. I have lost most of the extra baby weight and am now at 133-ish, depending on when I weigh myself, which I do, at least once a day...sometimes more. I can wear a 6 or an 8 but can no longer go without a bra which especially bothers me in the summer when the new line of sun dresses I'm not able to wear comes out.

This post isn't about weight, it isn't about how I look or weigh COMPARED to you. It's about how I feel about myself and why. Although I weigh more than I did ten years ago, I don't consider myself overweight. I'm active, I've run half marathons, I've had two children. Yet, at times, I still feel fat and awkward. I feel like everyone can see my gut. I'm embarrassed to wear a swimsuit and I hate to be naked. What frustrates me the most is that I realize that these feelings rob me of joy. They take all my other accomplishments and talents and downgrade them. Making my worth be based solely on what I see in the mirror. These feelings taint the miracle of my pregnancies and childbirth stories.

I don't want to feel this way. I'm trying to be kinder when I look at myself. I try not to compare myself to other, smaller, seemingly better put together women. I'm spending more time running because it's something I love and it gives me a sense of physical accomplishment. I'm trying to be proud that what I perceive as a misshapen, imperfect body can run 13 miles, work 12 hours at a time caring for others and is still is able to run a home and raise a family.

So, this Mother's Day that's what I'll try to focus on. I'll try to remind myself how miraculous it is that my body created this amazing family and that I'm still healthy enough to actively participate in this wonderful journey. I'll try to remember that the body I have now is actually perfect in it's imperfections.

That's going to be my Mother's Day gift to myself.

Tooth, Fang & Claw

My plan for blog posts during MY BIRTHDAY MONTH was to write all about me. Every post. Even if I had nothing new or interesting to say about myself. I planned this to be an "All About Miss Marina Star" month.

But then Asher went and lost a tooth so now I feel obligated to write about that. Kids can be so selfish sometimes. He wasn't even considerate enough to lose the front tooth that's currently rotting out of his head. The one the dentist is most likely going to pull next week, thus keeping me from buying a new Kate Spade FOR MY BIRTHDAY. He lost the one next to it! Kids.

Come to think of it, I'll probably have to blog about the trip to the dentist also. Is nothing sacred? Can I not have ONE ENTIRE MONTH all to myself? Geesch.

So here are some pictures of my son instead of a post about why I love argyle socks. Enjoy.

First Day of My Life

May is here!!! Greatest. Month. Ever.

Today is the first day of my birthday month. My plan is to indulge myself and celebrate until month's end.

Here's to me!