My Hidden Truth

I never wanted to have kids.

As a girl, I imagined my future held a career, a condo in the city (any city, really) and a two seater sportscar. I dreamed of vacations in Europe, long weekends at the beach, and quiet nights curled up with a good book and a glass of wine. I'd always been a serial long term dater so I knew I wouldn't spend my entire life alone but that didn't have to mean I'd get married. I dreamt of an orderly, quiet, self sufficient life.

I think I hear my 20 year old self crying in a corner somewhere.

I can't really fault her.

I was five years old when my mother moved out, leaving my four brothers and I with our father. I was the middle child and my youngest brother wasn't yet a year old. My father raised us as a single parent until he remarried eight years later. Other than bits of overheard conversation and snatches of watered down memories, I have no idea what happened between my parents. I know it's cliche as a child of divorce to blame yourself, and while I realize she and my father had to have had other problems, I can't help but believe that her life, and their life together, would have been easier if there hadn't been children involved.

I know my life would be.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, at 22, I met Elijah and fell in love. Fast and hard. After three months together I couldn't imagine life without him and three months after that succeeded in convincing that 19 year old boy to marry me.

We spent three blissful, childless years together. We rarely went out, preferring to stay in with a good movie, take-out Thai food and a bottle of red. We never traveled beyond a few U.S. road trips and didn't even have our passports. We had two cars, both with four seats. We bought a dog, a house and finally felt ready to bring home a baby.

All my plans, hopes and dreams for my future were reshaped or replaced in 2003.

And again in 2009.

Since becoming a mother I have been out of the country (sans children) four times, driven a Mazda Miata (no room for a carseat in that bad boy!), spent a long weekend drinking on an adult only beach in Mexico, managed to read at least a book a month, and have had countless bottles of amazing wine.

The funny thing is that I probably wouldn't have done any of these things if my children hadn't forced me to carve out time for myself and my husband. I wouldn't have fought so hard during the rough spots. I would have gotten more sleep and I'd have nicer clothes, but I might not have Elijah. With nothing to keep us tethered together we could have easily slipped apart. Being married so young means growing together, and that's far more difficult than growing apart. Our children have become a catalyst in helping us ensure that we keep our relationship healthy, that we remain connected, in love, and supportive of each other's goals.

I would never want to go back and change the decision to have children but the truth is, I am sad for that 20 year old girl sometimes.

Her dreams came true and she doesn't even know it.

Yep, I did that.

This week for Mama Kat's I chose to make a list of 22 things I've done. I hope this gives you a little more information about who I am and where I've been. Enjoy!

I'm 34 and I have:

1. Spent a year in New York as a live in nanny.

2. Learned Russian at DLI so you don't have to.

3. Finally made it to a New Kids on the Block concert, 20 years late and 7 months pregnant!

4. Ate steak frites with my father in France.

5. Danced on a ballroom dance team.

6. Met the love of my life and convinced him (at 19) to marry me six months later.

7. Served in the United States Air Force.

8. Gained 60+ pounds with BOTH pregnancies and lost it.

9. Went parasailing.

10. Spent two summers working at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.

11. Attended Brigham Young University.

12. Got two tattoos, the first in Miami when I was 20 and the second in Vegas at 34.

13. Earned my RN.

14. Perfected the recipe to make the BEST RICE KRISPIE TREATS EVER.

15. Ran two half-marathons.

16. Visited Amsterdam's red light district.

17. Was the lead singer in a band (I even have a two song CD to remind me).

18. Donated my hair to locks of love.

19. Spent a week exploring Dublin.

20. Pierced my own ear.

21. Flew on a plane that caught on fire and had to make an emergency landing.

22. Had my feet in both the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.

Written in response to a prompt from Mama Kat's.
#1. Write a list of 22 things you have done.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

A while ago I posted about how Elijah, while a wonderful photographer, can't seem to take any pictures that illuminate the beauty of his lovely wife.

Recently we discovered that Amelia has inherited my trait for being just as unphotogenic. I am so sorry baby girl but it's not all that bad. It just means that you'll never find your love on a matchmaking website.

 

Linking this up with those wild and crazy 

iPhone Photo Phun gals:

 

This Woman's Work

I've worked the past 24 out of 48 hours and am headed in for another shift tonight. I'm exhausted, but will have the next few days off to recover.

I came home last night to a feverish little one and realized how very lucky I am to know what I know. It was one of the reasons I went to nursing school. It's scary when your babies are sick - even if it's something that seems mild - and it's even worse when you don't know what to do for them.

I thought it might be nice to write a post about how I assess and treat my own children. Not as medical advice, simply as a way to let you know what my thought process is when my babies get sick.

A few weeks ago, with the change of weather, Amelia showed small signs of congestion with a little, productive cough. We all suffer from seasonal allergies, so I wasn't concerned. Sometimes, on days when she seemed pretty stuffy, I'd give her some Benadryl to help her sleep and keep her histamines at bay.

Yesterday however, she started running a fever. It's been between 99-101.5 and we've had to have Ibuprofen and Tylenol round the clock to keep her fever down. I don't usually treat anything below 100+ because fever is one of the ways our bodies fight infection but every child is different. Amelia doesn't run high fevers so a 101 is pretty high for her. Since the medication would break her fever, I wasn't worried about needing to give it every four to six hours. The main thing I worry about is keeping her hydrated and making sure she's had enough wet diapers throughout the day.

I'm confident that she's just got a sinus infection due to the change of weather. I made an appointment with her pediatrician for today and will ask them to swab her for flu just in case because little ones have trouble telling you where they hurt. She's still been pretty active and is eating (as much as she normally does, which is not much) and her bowel and bladder habits have not changed.

I kept her home today and we've just been laying around watching movies and playing. She seems to need a little extra love but hasn't been too clingy which is another thing that makes me think it's nothing serious.

I'll keep you updated via comments about her diagnosis and follow up.

Touching Base

I've dubbed the next four weeks my "Month of Pain." With Asher's, birthday and my inevitable overspending at Christmas looming ahead, I've decided to buckle down and take any (and mostly all) shifts offered to me - within reason, I'm not a machine.

I think I have about four shifts scheduled per week, which may not seem like much but they take a lot out of me. Most days I don't even sit down to pee until eight hours into a shift. Don't mistake this as a complaint, being busy really helps the shift go by and I'm loving the work. I am constantly learning and it's nice to feel myself growing again as a nurse. I look forward to going to work instead of dreading it, like before. I am happier both at home and at work and I feel like being in this new department is a big part of that.

Working more has given Elijah and I an opportunity to fine tune our homemaking skills as well. He is pulling more than his fair share of the weight in that department, coming home in the evenings and finishing laundry, straightening the house and completing any other tasks I've left on his "honey do" list. I am so grateful for his willingness to take on more to ensure that things still go smoothly for me and the kids. Working together, often on opposite schedules, can be difficult, and I miss our evening routine and conversations, but this is a short term absence and I think we're handling it beautifully.

So don't worry if I don't check in as often.

Things are good.

I am happy.

First Guest Post...EVER!

I'm so excited about my first guest post ever!

I'm hanging out with Taming Insanity talking about my untamed insanity.

Stop over for a visit!

The Many Drinks of MarVal

Last weekend marked our annual cabin camping trip. It's pretty much my favorite weekend of the year because it means that Fall is finally here and all my favorite family holidays are just around the corner!

For this weeks iPPP post, I thought I'd share some pictures Elijah took of me. It won't take you long to realize why I love this weekend!

While uploading the photos, I realized that I'm wearing the same outfit in all four pictures! We took them all in one day but I swear they weren't all at the same time. Geez...this post makes me look like a boozehound. Oh well, blog with integrity.

Linking this up with those wild and crazy 

iPhone Photo Phun gals:

 

Me, Myself and Time

Something's missing, I can tell.

I feel it every time I go outside to light up.

I notice when I'm headed to bed, but make a detour to 'let Chester out just one more time.'

The funny thing is, although I'd been feeling this void, the thought hadn't actually occurred to me that I was trying to fill it. I didn't have an epiphany during one of my trips outside, or in a fleeting moment of self discovery. Nope, it was pointed out to me...by a friend.

That's why we have other mother friends.

I have a weekly coffee/yoga/gossip date with a friend and this past week we discussed my feelings about this new addiction of mine. I expressed how this time around it's seemingly impossible to quit, how I've never had this sort of trouble before and frankly, I was more than a little concerned about my apparent weakness.

I discussed how much I enjoy sitting alone outside with a book, in the stillness, even if only for 10-15 minutes at a time. How it's become a routine that offers a tiny bit of sanctuary and silence that I'm not normally allowed, not even in the bathroom.

Sweetly she pointed out that it's possible something was missing. That I steal these moments because everything other aspect of my life - mother, wife, nurse - requires me to attend to someone else. That it's the one time I'm allowed to sit and just be, with no expectation beyond reading. It's a reason to take a time out.

She's right.

Now all I have to do is find something else, something a bit more healthy and less emotionally damaging to myself (read: GUILT). I'm honestly not sure what that's going to be. The other night the two of us checked out a dance studio in case that was something I might want to get back into. We've been bouncing around ideas ever since the morning of our last coffee date and I know that something will click with me. Something I can do just for me, with me. Something that helps me be better when I'm with others, because I've started to take care of myself.

We're headed to our yearly cabin camping excursion today. I'm excited to unplug, spend time with my family and maybe use the silence for a little introspection. Hopefully I'll come back smoke-free with an idea about how to take better care of Marina.

I'll let you know.

If It's Love

I am so happy about this week's prompts! I've been wanting to put this song 'out there' as OUR SONG, but was unsure how to do it.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you see it) I'm not "telling" so much as "showing" this week. Enjoy!



If It's Love from Miss Marina Star on Vimeo.

Written in response to a prompt from Mama Kat's.
#2. Tell us about your song.

Fall to Pieces

I'm about to post something embarrassing. While some of you might be thinking, this won't be the first time, just try to pretend that it is. It is definitely the first time I've posted something THIS embarrassing (to me). As well as the first time I've broached this particular subject.

(Read: validation is necessary)

I'm a nurse in the Emergency Room at my local hospital. It's a nice, quiet, fairly new community hospital and I've been there (on one floor or another) for over a year. I am new to the ER, but am learning the pace and really enjoying the work. While we don't get crazy traumas, we do occasionally get the craziness expected at an ER, however for the most part, our patients are normal people with normal, treatable issues.

I enjoy caring for most of the patients. I usually only have them on the unit for a few hours before they are either discharged home, transferred to another facility, or admitted to another floor. This short amount of time gives me the opportunity to get them situated, learn a little about their background, treat them, and then move on. There is rarely enough time to become annoyed or angry with someone unless the person is just in that sort of a mood. I get those patients as well, but they don't really bother me that much. I am usually able to do my work in a professional manner, and move on. Nope, the mean ones aren't the patients that make my life difficult.

It's the attractive ones.

Yep, I said it....and I am so embarrassed.

It's true. Sometimes I have been attracted to my patients. Rarely, oh so rarely, I will have a patient that makes it difficult to concentrate, focus, speak, or keep myself from acting a fool. I'm dead serious. I'm only human and am therefore unable make my heart beat slower or my hands stop sweating just because I'm a professional caregiver.

Working with the patient population that I'm usually exposed to, it's not THAT common. In fact, in the two years I've been nursing, I can really only remember it happening twice. I am only writing about this because it happened just recently and I'm still feeling a little thrown or uneasy. I'm thinking that if I just put this 'out there' then maybe all the weirdness will go away. Also, I think it's uber important for people to understand that this possibility exists, even for the most amazingly, wonderfully, professionally, minded nurses such as myself. And if you are an attractive sick person you should prepare yourself accordingly.

Your hospital care provider may have a crush on you.
 
So don't flirt with the people taking care of you. You can be nice, make jokes, give compliments...but don't flirt with the staff. Believe me, we can tell the difference. It is hard enough to start an IV without my hands shaking because my impeccably groomed, soft spoken, great smelling, sweet smiling, patient won't stop flirting with me...even if it does seem subtle.

There. That is all. Now, let's never speak of this again.