My Girl Likes To...

...potty all the time!

These photos have not been altered. It is in fact, our little ladybug, sitting on actual toilets, sans screaming. It only took three days and a bag of jelly beans to get this girl out of her diapers. I'm hoping this, combined with her love of Tramp Stamps, isn't going to come back to haunt us during her teen years.

Treading Water

My house is a wreck.

There are piles of toys, books and clothes all over the floors while papers, dirty dishes, and miscellaneous trinkets cover the shelves, counters and tables.

My bed isn't made.

The kid's rooms are just as bad and I haven't the energy nor the desire to straighten or clean them.

I missed my run...

...this weekend, and this morning.

My blog hasn't been updated and I'm feeling behind on everything.

House guests and sickness have made free time illusive and cleaning nearly impossible. I was really looking forward to spending a few days this week catching up on the house, my blog, my sanity.

But you know what they say about the best laid plans.

Last night, Amelia became feverish so I'm home again, with a sick kid, a ton to do, and no relief in sight.

I know there are worse things than a few days at home in a messy house with a sick kid. I realize that I could have it so much worse. I am trying to put things into perspective without completely losing my shit about the little things. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I'm well enough adjusted to do that right now.

So I'm starting small. I'll do a few loads of laundry, try to collect the wayward dishes and write a little something here.

Tomorrow, I might be able to do more.

Today, that has to be enough.

Two Years In

My first post here was January 6, 2010.

I started my blog for the sole purpose of putting things down. I wanted to start writing, to express my private thoughts and feelings. I wanted to use my blog as a way to remember and grow. I never considered having anybody, other than close friends and family, read these words, and I rarely even considered that while writing earlier posts.

I created a place for me. A place where I could express frustration and joy. A place where bragging, as well as bitching, about life and family was allowed. I never expected more than this.

This past year, I opened up. I quit lurking on other blogs and started connecting with the people behind the stories I'd been reading. I quit writing fluff and started writing what was real for me. I quit hiding and started to announce myself to those I felt a connection with.

I've felt intimidated.

I've felt vulnerable.

I've felt judged.

I've also felt accepted, understood and loved.

This space has become a refuge for my soul and a meeting place for my heart. I am so very grateful to all who've spent time here in the past and especially those who are still with me today. This has become a more comforting place then I ever imagined. It's become my online home and I look forward to spending another year, working on being as open and honest in my words as you've been in yours.

Thank you all so very much.

I write for me, I hit publish for you.

Promises, Promises

The first Monday Listicles topic of the year was submitted by A Mountain Momma and I love it! It's a twist on the normal New Year's Resolutions that we all feel obligated to make.

Here is my list of 10 New Year's Resolutions I will never keep:

1. Get more sleep. This is impossible. Aside from my crazy overnights at the hospital, there is no way I could nap any more than I already do and still keep the house and family somewhat organized. Also, how would I find time for my bloggy and twitter friends if i slept as much as I should.

2. Spend less money on take-out and fast food. Sometimes ordering pizza, rather than rummaging through the cupboards trying to round up a home cooked meal, is the only highlight of my day.

3. Drink less wine. And more beer?

4. Wear "real clothes" more often than pajamas. Okay, maybe I'll do this if I'm leaving the house, unless it's just to pick up dinner...otherwise I don't see the point.

5. Stop nagging. Because I want to pick up, put away, and clean everything in 2012?!

6. Keep my car clean and wash it regularly. As much as I hate the fact that my mom-mobile looks the part, having random toys/snackfoods hidden between the seats has saved me several times.

7. Control my Gymboree shopping habit. Thus ruining my children's future social life by not dressing them like they walked out of a catalog. Isn't it bad enough that their mother only wears pajamas?

8. Have the TV off more than on. With one child this was easier. Amelia, however loves "watching something" and frankly, so do I. Watching her dance along with the Wiggles is just too adorable to deny myself this year.

9. Fold and put away clean clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer. If there isn't anything on my DVR I can't possibly be expected to fold laundry, right?

10. Keep my bedroom clean and organized. Ha! I could totally do this at the expense of all the other rooms in the house. After picking up everyone else's crap you can't possibly expect me to have the time and/or energy to pick up my own!

I'm so excited to have a list of 10 Resolutions I'm not expected to keep.

I think it's the perfect way to start off 2012.

My Broken Heart Blog

I woke up to a sad realization yesterday. After over a year of wonderful service, my blog has broken and I am unable to fix it. Mostly because I am too crazy busy with my life to spend any extra time diddling around on google and taking night classes on code. Unfortunately, my knowledge of "all things blogger" has been exhausted and the fact that I have an entirely custom blog with no access to my design files is making it impossible for anyone to help me.

Boo, hoo, hoo.

I have decided to turn this into something positive though. I've decided to make the move to a new venue, hire a wonderful bloggy friend to revamp my design and hopefully learn something about being able to fix my blog when if it dies next time.

In the meantime, because it's too painful for me to even look at this once beautiful space of mine, I'm going to change the template to something prefab and lame. I suggest you all read me in your readers for a bit and only come by when necessary (i.e. to comment).

I am linking this up with the sweet and kind Bruna at Bees With Honey for Lets BEE Friends because I'm feeling sad for the loss of my first bloggy home and am in need of some friendly support.

 

(Update: Look at it! It's beautiful again! Many thanks to Kayleen @ Booyah's Momma Digital Art & Design for fixing my site. I will also have her do my update/migration and you should to, if you're looking to make a change!)

Two Baby or Not Two Baby

Today's Monday Listicle is super awesome! As someone who has vacillated extensively between "our family is complete" and "wait, are you sure you don't want another baby?" I have spent a lot of time going over both sides of the argument. That's why I chose to write BOTH lists! Yippee - today's listicle gives you two for the price of one!

10 reasons why I think we should have more children:

1. I'd love a house full of family for the holidays, or really any Sunday dinner. I imagine my children, their spouses and my grandbabies coming home, gathering around the table, sharing stories of their childhood antics and fighting over who was the favorite!

2. We already have a vehicle that can accommodate eight people so we wouldn't have to buy a new car, even if we were blessed with multiples.

3. We make beautiful babies. Seriously. We should get some sort of award for the adorableness of our children.

4. Our house has plenty of room for another nursery.

5. I always wanted another baby boy, and I never got to use the name I've already chosen for him.

6. Being pregnant would make it so much easier to quit smoking!

7. A 50% increase in Trick-or-Treat candy!

8. Turning the guest bedroom into a nursery would make it impossible for my MIL to ever move in.

9. Another child would give us better odds at having someone to support us when we're old and decrepit.

10. It's the easiest way to lose eight pounds in one day!


10 reasons why I think we should NOT have more children:

1. I don't think my my body nor my self-esteem could handle losing the 60+ pounds that always seem to accompany my pregnancies.

2. I'm really enjoying sleeping at least six hours every night and can't imagine going back to two hour sleeping intervals.

3. We're almost out of diaper land!

4. I'm quickly headed into the "high risk pregnancy" area.

5. Travel is one of our favorite hobbies, and five plane tickets is substantially more than four.

6. Having been the middle child, it makes me sad to think I'd be moving Amelia from baby girl to middle child.

7. We're currently dealing with a two-year old...'nuff said.

8. Elijah's motto is "never let your pets, or your kids, outnumber you."

9. Although having a third baby wouldn't tax our budget much more, the cost of alcohol we'd need to raise three kids would be enormous.

10. Therapy for our two children is already going to be more than we can afford. I don't know how we'd pay to undo the damage to the third one.

So there you have it! Two lists, both with valid reasons, or at least OUR reasons for having or not having any more children.

Eight is Enough

My baby boy is eight years old. My firstborn. My Asher.

Oh. My. Heart.

He's riding a bike and tying his shoes.

He's taking the bus to school and having sleep overs.

He's losing his teeth and trading his baby face for boyish good looks.

He's still waking up before me, but he now makes his own breakfast.

He's a loving big brother who adores and protects his sister.

He's moving from me, towards his father. Big boy adventures with snuggling only at night.

He's growing into more than I ever dreamed he'd be.

Linking this up with those wild and crazy 
iPhone Photo Phun gals:

 

First Guest Post...EVER!

I'm so excited about my first guest post ever!

I'm hanging out with Taming Insanity talking about my untamed insanity.

Stop over for a visit!

He Doesn't Know Why

Asher's homework this week was to write a poem using his spelling words. Most of his assignments this year center around helping him to write. To consider what he wants to say, find the words and put them down on paper. He's been struggling with these tasks, but for some reason, was better able to do this particular poem assignment. In fact, he wrote several different poems rather than a single poem using all of the required words. As I was looking over his work last night, I found this:

I didn't know what to say.

Standing at the top of the stairs, looking up from this paper into the honest eyes of my son, I couldn't even speak.

I started to ask why? how? what does this mean to you? Instead I praised his work, told him he had done enough for the day and could go outside to ride his bike.

Some of you may know, many may have guessed, that I struggle with anxiety. It's a new thing for me, triggered, I believe, during the upheaval caused by our move from Oklahoma last year. Since then, in quiet moments, I've realized that those changes were just a catalyst. I had always been a little uncomfortable, uneasy, anxious. The children, the move, work, these just brought it to the surface.

I was lucky that I developed healthier coping skills than many others who struggle with anxiety. I didn't self medicate with alcohol or engage in self destructive behavior. I was able to deal with my emotions and fears by being prepared for everything. Some people think I'm controlling, inflexible, unable to be spontaneous or 'go with the flow'. But controlling my environment, with an exhaustive amount of planning, was how I dealt with my anxiety in the past. Living out of boxes, in a rental house with two young children and a new job seemed impossible. Everything was constantly in flux. I wasn't grounded, I couldn't find my feet. I was angry, frustrated, depressed, impatient, and lonely.

I reached out for help.

That was over a year ago, and while things are better (thanks in large part to the pharmaceutical companies) I still feel anxious and overwhelmed at times. Given his loving and sensitive nature, I wasn't exactly surprised to find that Asher picked up on it.

I'm not upset about it either. I just don't know how to discuss this with him.

I want him to know that sometimes life is hard, and sometimes people need help. I want him to understand that everyone is fighting some sort of battle and it's okay to ask for a hand with your own. I want him to know I'm not ashamed. That this isn't his fault. That parents aren't infallible. I don't always have the answers and that's okay.

I need to find a way to approach this that he will understand. Speak on his level and be truthful about who I am and what I know my failings to be. It must be authentic because most of all I want him to know that it's more important to be honest than it is to be perfect.

A Near Miss Mom Fail of Epic Proportions

I am not, nor have I ever been, a girly girl.

I'm also pretty hopeless when it comes to fashion, refusing to sacrifice function or comfort for style. My personal taste swings well into the realm of overworked soccer mom. I don't think I look frumpy or ugly, it's more of a lack of finesse. I have no creativity for accessorizing and can't seem to buy anything - shoe, pant, skirt or top - without first asking "what would I wear this with?" I buy multiple copies of identical shirts in different colors and prefer one piece knit dresses to everything else.

As for makeup, let me just say that I lost my makeup bag sometime around August and didn't notice until I started packing for Vegas. That is how infrequently I put anything on my face besides lotion.

All that being said, I am a sucker for pedicures. I LOVE THEM! They are the one indulgence I never regret which is why I treated myself to one before leaving for Vegas. Miraculously, the pedicure was still intact after the trip which prompted Amelia to cry out for "Pink toes! Pink toes!" This was the first time I recall her noticing painted nails and I was happy to share with her the joy of the pedicure. The only problem was:

I don't have any nail polish.

I'm so serious. I can't remember the last time I painted my nails. My fingernails (which you'll see in the following pictures) have such small cuticle beds that I don't bother doing anything with them at all. And my toenails are so teeny that I'd never be able to paint them nicely, not to mention the fact that doing it myself would defeat the entire purpose of the indulgent pedicures.

Seriously, there is no nail polish in my house.

I promised I pick some up while she was at school the next day and then promptly forgot. In a panic I asked Elijah to get some on his way home from work hoping that, although he is a man who knows nothing about nail polish, he'd still come through for his little girl. And guys, he totally did.

I had never seen this girl sit so still!

Not Your Ordinary Motherly Advice

I was intrigued by Mama Kat's prompt to write advice to a new mother. I don't consider myself an expert in this department, despite having had two children, but I do think that I might have some interesting, unconventional, thoughts to share on the subject.

Bear with me:

1. Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a wonderful new little bundle of soul-sucking joy. I mean that, of course, in the sweetest of ways. With so many people wanting, yet unable, to have children you are blessed beyond measure. However, don't let that overcome you with guilt about any feelings of resentment you may have towards your new little love. Motherhood is a sacrifice. Not only of the body, but also of the mind and soul. You will become intimately acquainted with all your faults and failings, but you will also find strength and wisdom when you least expect it. You will feel proud of what you've accomplished, yet also, at times conflicted about how this new life makes you feel. Don't be ashamed. Every parent has felt this way, some just refuse to acknowledge it.

2. Drink. I'm totally serious about this one. ESPECIALLY if you a nursing. You've already probably laid off the sauce for the past 12 months and are hankering for a cosmo, martini, glass of wine, or PBR. It's okay. Don't worry about "pumping and dumping" just wait until the evening feeding after you've had dinner, prop your feet up in a comfy chair, let the little one latch on, and sip your favorite adult beverage while watching whatever your latest guilty pleasure is. Your milk will come down so much easier if you're relaxed and satisfied. And your body will have enough time to process all the alchohol before baby's next feeding. I consider it a win/win for all!

3. Find a friend. This can be someone with or without kids, so long as they understand that you are inexplicable tied to the little monsters. You need to have someone who doesn't judge you for however you feel about motherhood. Someone who is willing to listen to you cry and bitch about how perfect your boobs used to be, and maybe even be handy at helping you shop for bras. Seriously, you need a good friend that doesn't mind you calling home in the middle of a girls night out to ask about your little ones bowel movements. This are not a friend that needs to be willing to babysit, this will be a friend for you. Someone who helps to remind you that although you're now wiping another person's butt on a regular basis, you are so much more than that.

I cannot express enough that being a mother is difficult. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. You WILL want to lock yourself in the bathroom at times and that's OK. Just realize that anyone with children has been there before. Try to surround yourself with people who are willing to overlook the awful things you say about your kids (like this post) and don't beat yourself up about the bad days.

Also, invest now for their therapy. It will help assuage the guilt when you just can't drink another cup of imaginary tea or play another game of Candyland.

Written in response to a prompt from Mama Kat's.
#5. Advice to new mothers.