Big Changes

If you're reading this, then it's happened.

I've moved.

This space has been a wonderful beginning, but since the only way to grow is through change, I'm moving on.

I cannot express enough how amazing these past two years have been. I've met some amazing people, and learned so much about myself.

I look forward to seeing you all at my new place.

www.missmarinastar.com

My Girl Likes To...

...potty all the time!

These photos have not been altered. It is in fact, our little ladybug, sitting on actual toilets, sans screaming. It only took three days and a bag of jelly beans to get this girl out of her diapers. I'm hoping this, combined with her love of Tramp Stamps, isn't going to come back to haunt us during her teen years.

Baby's Got Sauce

Elijah has more refined taste in music than I. He enjoys listening to actual musicians, while I'll take almost anything a big label throws at me. Because of this, we don't always agree on what we should listen to together.

However, almost thirteen years ago, we found some common ground when Elijah introduced me to the music of G. Love & Special Sauce. We have a lot of sweet dating memories associated with this band. Many tied to one of their first singles, Baby's Got Sauce.




Neither of us had ever seen Mr. Love in concert though, so when Elijah told me about the show at La Zona Rosa a few weeks back I knew we had to go.

We got a sitter.

Called some friends.

And even lucked out with a meet and greet.

We were young again, and nostalgically in love, for one fantastic night.

 *Note: After posting the above picture to Instagram and Facebook, I got several comments on how great Elijah and I looked together (even from my parents). I then felt obligated to post the following picture so people who knew better didn't think I was trying to pass off G. Love as my husband.

My Love

Photo taken by Jansson Photography

This week's Monday Listicles theme is love. Appropriate, apt, fun, and easy. I decided to use this as an opportunity to make a list of all the reasons why, after twelve years of marriage, I am still ridiculously in love with Elijah.

1. He still makes me laugh. A lot. Mostly at him, which he never seems to mind, but not just that. No matter how much I have mocked his sense of humor, he has never stopped trying to make me laugh or smile. I find this adorable.

2. He may not excel at anticipating what I want or need, he's a terrible mind reader, but he will complete a honey-do list without complaint. Even if it means staying up late to do a mess of work after putting the kids to bed on a weeknight. If I write it down, it will always get done.

3. He never fails to have a card and gift laying out for me when I get up on special days. And he doesn't mind that I suck at doing stuff like that. Seriously, the man is better at Valentine's and anniversaries than I am. (I would feel bad, but I'm better at making babies so I think we're even.)

4. Speaking of our babies, Elijah is a wonderful father. I think he actually enjoys playing with his kids. He's the outdoor parent, the indoor jungle gym, the parent who wants to go and do. I'm the one who doesn't want to get out of my pajamas.

5. He pulls his own weight. It's a struggle to keep things up with both of us working and my odd hours. Elijah is more than willing to do what needs to be done, which is better than me because taking out the trash is man's work!

6. He encourages me to do things that I love. Whether it's getting away with friends, going back to school, or making time for long runs, he has always been supportive of the things I need to do in order to keep sane.

7. He never complains about how much I spend. Ever. He may not understand why cutting and/or dyeing two inches of hair can cost up to $200, but he doesn't complain. He might think that the kids have enough outfits for the next six years, but he'd never suggest I stop going to Gymboree. He has never made me feel like I don't have the right to spend our money in whatever way I see fit.

8. He cooks. I mean, really cooks. Not in the way that I cook, which is just to keep us from starving. This man makes meals, and desserts, and he enjoys it. One Valentine's Day he made me a rack of lamb! He learned how to make baked fudge since I love it so much. He feeds me delicious food and enjoys making it almost as much as I enjoy eating it. Almost.

9. He encourages me to sleep. This may sound bizarre, but there are a lot of days that I don't want to sleep. I hate spending an entire weekend day in bed because I worked the night before. But he realizes how important sleep is to my mental and physical health and he nags me if I get up too early. He'll take the kids out so I have nothing to stay up for. He sends me to bed early and lets me sleep in, even if it means he never gets to. And as far as I'm concerned sleep = love.

10. He reads my blog. He doesn't comment, or question what I've written. He is supportive and encouraging in his silence. He'll tell me if he enjoyed something, but I never worry about him passing judgement on anything I've put here. He respects this space and has never made me feel like I should censor myself. Plus, he's saved me a ton of work this Valentine's Day by stopping by to read this for himself! Happy Valentine's Day, hon!

So there you have it. Ten, long winded reasons for why I'm still with the man I married all those years ago. 

18 And Life

I can't possibly express how thrilled I was when Jamie from Chosen Chaos asked me to write a post for her If I Could Turn Back Time series. I mean have you seen the list of those who've been there before me?!

So, I am not here today.

I'm spending this Friday with friends.

Please join us.

Tramp Stamp

When you're sweet little girl looks at you like this... 

And asks for this...

You give in.

Then you swear you'll never tell anyone about it.

But you post it on your blog anyway...because OMG it's hilarious!

It's Wednesday, so you know I'm linking up with iPPP!

Soundtrack Of My Life

Today's topic is ten songs that would make up my life's soundtrack.

1. Absolutely (Story of a Girl) - Nine Days

Because if we're going to start my life off with a theme, it might as well be one of tears. Yes, I was a girl tortured by being perpetually in the friend zone. As far as my formative teen years go, I remember heartbreak and angst and longing, and not really much else. Cue the violins.

"This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world."



2. 32 Flavors - Alana Davis

I've always been struck by the dimension of people. Especially now that I'm older. I realize that people are rarely as they appear.  As I posted earlier I am often defined by my roles as mother, wife, nurse, daughter, sister, but there is so much more to me than the various hats I wear.

"I am a poster girl with no poster. I am 32 flavors and then some."




3. Talk Tonight - Oasis

This song reminds me of the sweetness of finding yourself in the middle of a long, comfortable conversation. Whether on the phone, or in person, watching the sun rise with someone you've shared a bit of yourself with, counts as some of my favorite memories.

"I wanna talk tonight, until the morning light, about how you saved my life."



4. Torn - Natalie Imbuglia

I remember when this first song came out I identified with it completely. The feeling of being so broken it wouldn't matter who came to rescue you. Even as a grown woman I've still felt this way many times in my life, not hopeless, just torn.

"You're a little late, I'm already torn."



5. Broken Road - Melodie Crittenden

Being an awkward, perpetually lovesick, young woman, I was more than relieved to be married at twenty-two.  I finally felt like I could direct all that energy I'd been wasting worrying about being loved into something far more productive. This song describes how all of those heartaches and mistakes brought me to my present.

(I threw in the Pacey & Joey YouTube edition because who doesn't love Dawson's Creek?)



6. Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

Regardless of the fact that this is found on the soundtrack to a movie that I've never seen, it's a brilliant choice for my own personal soundtrack. The song reminds me that the past is gone and it's living in the present that will reveal the true joys life.

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know, the hardest part is over?" 



7. Suddenly, I See - KT Tunstall

The woman depicted in this song is strong, captivating, and alive.  She's all the things I'd like to be admired for. I guess you could call her my musical role model.

"Suddenly, I see, why the hell it means so much to me."




8. How to Save a Life - The Fray

It's no surprise that I love Grey's Anatomy. I even written about how I don't have any hang ups when it comes to medical dramas and working in the medical field. This song inspired one of my favorite posts and totally makes me thrilled about my career.





9. Sleep - Melissa Etheridge

This is the song. The one that perfectly describes how I feel about my husband and our life together. The only video I could find of it is awful...please don't judge the song based on what you see. In fact, just listen with your eyes closed. Yeah, do that.



10. Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls

The perfect song to end with. A song describing the search for something more, something bigger than what we are.

"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear."

What I Am

I am a mother. 

I keep laundry and faces clean.

I oversee homework, appointments, and activities, read stories and correct grammar.

I make imaginary meals during tea parties and pack lunches for school.

I ward off nightmares and kiss boo boos, wipe noses and bottoms.

I am the first in the morning and the last at bedtime. 

I am a wife.

I encourage and support, listen and share.

I am the planner of social activities, vacations and family outings.

I lighten the load, update, remind, and help manage our life.

I am a sounding board for both bad days and good ideas.

I am the kiss in the morning and the whisper at bedtime.

I am a nurse.

I calm fears and comfort grief.

I tend to both seen and unseen hurts. 

I listen and teach, supplying resources and hope.

I provide compassionate care without regard to status or station.

I am the smile in the morning and the comfort at bedtime.

I am a woman.

I suffer moments of loneliness and nagging insecurities.

I need patience, trust and acceptance free from conditions.

I have my own dreams, independent of those dependent on me.

I fear losing control of everything while trying to have it all.

I am overwhelmed in the morning and depleted at bedtime.

Photo Op

Elijah's birthday was this past Sunday.

Instead of a family celebration I dropped the kids with friends so we could spend the day together, without all the screaming and stress, in and around Austin taking pictures.

Other than some early morning grumbles (mine, not his) we had a lovely day. We spent the gloomy morning in Austin, with brunch at Max's Wine Dive (so delicious) and then drove a bit outside the city to Hamilton Pool.

As you can see, we got some great shots, had some laughs and really enjoyed getting away for a little while together.

In his element.

By Perdernales River

Look at me, enjoying the hike!

Hamilton Pool

It's Wednesday, so you know I'm linking up with iPPP!

Treading Water

My house is a wreck.

There are piles of toys, books and clothes all over the floors while papers, dirty dishes, and miscellaneous trinkets cover the shelves, counters and tables.

My bed isn't made.

The kid's rooms are just as bad and I haven't the energy nor the desire to straighten or clean them.

I missed my run...

...this weekend, and this morning.

My blog hasn't been updated and I'm feeling behind on everything.

House guests and sickness have made free time illusive and cleaning nearly impossible. I was really looking forward to spending a few days this week catching up on the house, my blog, my sanity.

But you know what they say about the best laid plans.

Last night, Amelia became feverish so I'm home again, with a sick kid, a ton to do, and no relief in sight.

I know there are worse things than a few days at home in a messy house with a sick kid. I realize that I could have it so much worse. I am trying to put things into perspective without completely losing my shit about the little things. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I'm well enough adjusted to do that right now.

So I'm starting small. I'll do a few loads of laundry, try to collect the wayward dishes and write a little something here.

Tomorrow, I might be able to do more.

Today, that has to be enough.

Reminder

Photo done by Jansson Photography.

Trust

I am an introvert.

I do well in small groups, with people I already know and feel comfortable around. I can fake it, if necessary, but not for long, and with varying results.

When I meet new people I usually smile, say hello, and then either stay and listen to their conversation, or move on. Either way, it takes a bit before new acquaintances actually get something of substance out of me.

I am protective of myself and my feelings. I am warm and kind and yes, even sincere, but I am also secretive and scared.

I am a blogger.

I discuss some of my most personal feelings and experiences in a public manner.

I put my insecurities on display for the whole wide web to read, expecting nothing in return, but always hoping to connect with someone who has, or may have had, the same feelings and/or insecurities.

I am an introverted blogger.

The two might seem incongruous, but they really aren't.

I don't mind opening up online because we are all participating, we are all sharing something. Blogging is a quid pro quo relationship wherein we all give up a little of ourselves, and get support and reassurance in return. I love my online life and the friendships I'm cultivating here.

When I finally meet up with these "bloggy friends," we will hug. We've already shared countless cups of "virtual" coffee and numerous personal anecdotes. We both know names and birthdays, accomplishments and setbacks. We're friends, and that friendship is based partly on mutual sharing; neither one being more vulnerable than the other.

Again, let me restate that I am an introverted blogger.

I get anxious when someone from my 'real life', who isn't family or pre-blog friends, begins to read my blog. Most people that I see on a daily basis don't even know I write, and wouldn't really know how to find my space, but on occasion, I will tell a new friend about it.

Then I will proceed to go home and throw up.

Seriously though, sharing myself so completely makes me vulnerable and therefore, uncomfortable. Especially if the friendship is new. Granting someone access to my private thoughts, feelings and fears without having to earn it - whether by years of following online, or getting together in person - is a risk.

There is no quid pro quo in real life, like we have online, but there should be.

Here's my advice to anyone who may have stumbled across, or been given information about, a real-in-your-life-person's blog. Especially if it's mine.

• Comment, you can do it via email if that's more comfortable for you. 
• Let me know you were visiting, or tell me about something you read that you enjoyed.
• Share something about yourself with me.

If you think about it, reading my blog, in it's entirety, is the equivalent of two years of weekly coffee visits.

What would you have shared with me over that time?

Still Hungry!

I just finished the time suck that is The Hunger Games Trilogy, and am now wondering what to read for the rest of my life.

The books were a perfect Christmas gift from my SIL, but right now, I sort of hate her.

Hate might be too strong of a word. I'm really just so sad that it's over and now am at a total loss as to what to read next.

Any suggestions?

It's Wednesday, so you know I'm linking up with iPPP!

Perfect Enough

I sneak into the house just as the sun begins to rise. I'm hoping that the garage door doesn't wake anyone because a few minutes to myself would be nice.

My feet are swollen and my back is sore after twelve hours of abuse. Leaving my shoes in the garage, I head upstairs to wash away the previous night.

I stand in the spray recalling the litany of faces, names and room numbers, trying to determine if there was anything I missed.

Anything more I could have done.

Anything that I should have said.

Anything I need to know better for next time.

This mental recap is a post shift ritual. Methodically calling up past events and actions helps me wind down and actually keeps me from tossing and turning in bed. Some nights this exercise works better than others. It's not surprising that those are usually the nights when I feel I've done my best.

More often than not, though, I wonder if I did enough, know enough, if I'll ever be enough.

I also wonder if it's even possible in my line of work to really ever be enough. The learning curve is steep, the rules change often and mistakes can be fatal.

Regardless of how the recap plays out, I will still fall asleep feeling better. Being willing to review my actions and their outcomes objectively, looking for ways to overcome my flaws, as well as realizing what I've done well, gives me a sense of pride.

I may sometimes be imperfect.

I may often be flawed.

But if I do my best,

                          If I'm willing to work harder,

                                                                   move faster,

                                                                                       learn quicker,



I can be enough.





Also linking up with this week's lovelinks, since I enjoyed it
so much last week!

Two Years In

My first post here was January 6, 2010.

I started my blog for the sole purpose of putting things down. I wanted to start writing, to express my private thoughts and feelings. I wanted to use my blog as a way to remember and grow. I never considered having anybody, other than close friends and family, read these words, and I rarely even considered that while writing earlier posts.

I created a place for me. A place where I could express frustration and joy. A place where bragging, as well as bitching, about life and family was allowed. I never expected more than this.

This past year, I opened up. I quit lurking on other blogs and started connecting with the people behind the stories I'd been reading. I quit writing fluff and started writing what was real for me. I quit hiding and started to announce myself to those I felt a connection with.

I've felt intimidated.

I've felt vulnerable.

I've felt judged.

I've also felt accepted, understood and loved.

This space has become a refuge for my soul and a meeting place for my heart. I am so very grateful to all who've spent time here in the past and especially those who are still with me today. This has become a more comforting place then I ever imagined. It's become my online home and I look forward to spending another year, working on being as open and honest in my words as you've been in yours.

Thank you all so very much.

I write for me, I hit publish for you.

The Best Kind of Dozen

Elijah and I celebrated 12 years of happily ever after, December 30, 2011.

We don't usually make a big deal of our anniversary. We rarely go out to celebrate, opting instead to grill out, open a bottle of wine and snuggle in front of a movie after putting the kids to bed.

Often we don't even exchange gifts, or we simply buy ourselves something from the other person.

Like every other aspect of our marriage, we do what works for us.

This year we took a night out. Left our kids with random visiting members of our family and escaped for an evening that included a quiet dinner, adult conversation and a late movie in downtown Austin.

It was perfect.

Low-key, yet delicious dinner at Cover 3.

Good clean fun.

Brownie for him, key lime pie for me.

Late movie at the Alamo Drafthouse Ritz on 6th Street, Downtown Austin

Movies are always better with beer!

Extra Special "cool" points for any one who can guess what movie we watched.

Linking up with #iPPP 

I'm also going to link up to my FIRST EVER Lovelinks 

because this post is all about love.

Promises, Promises

The first Monday Listicles topic of the year was submitted by A Mountain Momma and I love it! It's a twist on the normal New Year's Resolutions that we all feel obligated to make.

Here is my list of 10 New Year's Resolutions I will never keep:

1. Get more sleep. This is impossible. Aside from my crazy overnights at the hospital, there is no way I could nap any more than I already do and still keep the house and family somewhat organized. Also, how would I find time for my bloggy and twitter friends if i slept as much as I should.

2. Spend less money on take-out and fast food. Sometimes ordering pizza, rather than rummaging through the cupboards trying to round up a home cooked meal, is the only highlight of my day.

3. Drink less wine. And more beer?

4. Wear "real clothes" more often than pajamas. Okay, maybe I'll do this if I'm leaving the house, unless it's just to pick up dinner...otherwise I don't see the point.

5. Stop nagging. Because I want to pick up, put away, and clean everything in 2012?!

6. Keep my car clean and wash it regularly. As much as I hate the fact that my mom-mobile looks the part, having random toys/snackfoods hidden between the seats has saved me several times.

7. Control my Gymboree shopping habit. Thus ruining my children's future social life by not dressing them like they walked out of a catalog. Isn't it bad enough that their mother only wears pajamas?

8. Have the TV off more than on. With one child this was easier. Amelia, however loves "watching something" and frankly, so do I. Watching her dance along with the Wiggles is just too adorable to deny myself this year.

9. Fold and put away clean clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer. If there isn't anything on my DVR I can't possibly be expected to fold laundry, right?

10. Keep my bedroom clean and organized. Ha! I could totally do this at the expense of all the other rooms in the house. After picking up everyone else's crap you can't possibly expect me to have the time and/or energy to pick up my own!

I'm so excited to have a list of 10 Resolutions I'm not expected to keep.

I think it's the perfect way to start off 2012.