Confession (What's Inside My Head)

I hope this is the week that Elijah forgets to check the blog. I hope this post gets buried beneath next week's book review so he doesn't notice it because...I have a confession to make. And I'm afraid that if he reads it, out here, in public, he will bring it up in arguments discussions for years to come and I'm not quite ready for that.

I want to have another kid.

By that I mean, I'd like to have another adorable little miniature of us running around my house, potty trained and ready for school. Seriously though, some days, the idea that Amelia is that last one makes me so sad. Except for yesterday. Yesterday it was perfectly fine that the child screaming throughout the house was my last. Yesterday after two of the sickest diaper changes, I was absolutely fine with seeing an end to cleaning up someone else's poopie bottom.

That's the problem with these feelings. I go back and forth (sometimes within the hour), from wanting to have another little love bug, to screaming about how there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me knocked up again. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I completely alone in feeling both longing and repulsion at the same time?

What I'd like to hear about, is not how happy people were when they had another baby, but how happy they were when they didn't. Who has been through this, decided that their family was complete and was okay with it? Who else worries about how on earth they can pay for plane tickets if they have any more kids? Who decided "NO MORE" because they didn't want to drive a mini-van?

I realize that this is a personal decision (and Elijah can have a say as well, I guess) but I could use some help clarifying the feelings of loss about being finished with the childbearing part of my life, and the desire to actually raise another human being.

Hoppy Birthday Baby!

We celebrated Amelia's 2nd birthday over Easter Weekend. Her grandparents were coming down for the party so we decided it'd be more fun to have them over for the egg-citing festivities as well as her birthday celebration. We grilled brats, beat on a pinata and had some ice cream cake (the staple of birthday parties in our house). It was a small gathering of friends and family that couldn't have been more perfect.

Thank You Easter Bunny!

Remember that commercial? In case you don't, I've linked it. Wasn't it super awesome?!



After the egg hunt, I spent far too long trying to get my kids to stand with their baskets and say "Thank You Easter Bunny!" They totally didn't get it. They had no frame of reference for my request. And since we did the egg hunt in the front yard rather than the back (due to the fact that there were FOUR DOGS at my house and there was NO WAY I was hiding edible goodies in their bathroom) the neighbors got a good crazy lady show as well. Good fun.

There are thirteen pictures people! Thirteen pictures of the EXACT SAME POSE! We sat in the front yard trying over and over to get at least one good shot. The gods of photography did not smile on us, as you can see.

Oh well, I only have about 160 more photos of the holiday. I may do a photo link later this week because some of them are adorable and otherwise what's the point of taking 175 pictures of your kids in a 40 minute span if you aren't going to upload it for others to see? Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Easter weekend.

Happy Earth Day Earthlings!

Asher told me that he'd like to spend this year's Earth Day at a park picking up and recycling trash.  I'm not exactly sure how to go about searching for a dirty park, so we may just settle for playing at a clean one.

Either way, I wanted to leave you guys with some pretty pictures of the newly planted nature in our front yard. It's nothing spectacular, but it adds color and I actually helped with the planting. Seriously...I got my hands dirty rather than just sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and barking out orders. My how grown up I've become.

 

This type of work takes a lot of helpers so we were glad when Asher was willing to let us wheel him around while he ate his popsicle.

Seriously though, Asher was very helpful. He was most excited about spreading the fertilizer though, even after we explained to him what fertilizer actually was. Boys...yick!

Even though we were only planting a little patch, it took a lot of adorable muscle to get everything done. Thank goodness both are plentiful at my house!

 

I swear I helped! This picture was taken before the dirtying of the hands. Fact: Beer must be consumed before germy dirt is handled.

Almost done! The placement is all me people, all me!

And the final shot...well had I been a good blogger I would've gotten a final shot. Oh well, it looks good from the street...trust me.

Happy Earth Day!

I and Love and You

Love notes come in all sorts of shapes and sizes some come attached to gifts of flowers, candy, CARS!, trips, tickets, or homemade gift certificates. Some are extravagant and expensive while others are seemingly simple and plain.

I get a love note from Elijah at least every week. It comes in the form of two children. One has been fed, readied and taken to school, while the other has been chauffeured to my hospital and sits waiting for my shift to end with glass her of milk, cup of cereal and a smile.

After our post/pre-work child exchange I head home, exhausted but relieved to have another twelve hours behind me. Upon arrival, I am always greeted with a clean kitchen and the most beautiful sight ever...the red light of the coffee maker indicating a warm cup is only a few seconds away.

These little things, happy, well fed, well rested children, a clean house and a hot cup of coffee are the little love notes Elijah leaves me every week. The thing is, I don't expect these expressions of love. I know how easy it is for the evening to get out of hand. I know after a ten hour day, he's exhausted and is well within his rights to want to go to bed as soon as Asher is down. Which is why I'm always so grateful when I see the house in this condition.

I always call after I've showered and have started breakfast. I want to be sure that he knows how much I appreciate his thoughtfulness, how much I love him, and how lucky I feel that he is willing to put forth this extra effort for me.

He often shrugs off my thanks. Maybe he truly doesn't know how much these little acts of kindness touch me. As a rule, he's never been overly demonstrative. He's okay with PDA but isn't too forthcoming with praise and compliments. After 11 years, I've come to realize that his love is shown through things like this. Daily, weekly, even yearly thoughtful acts. That's how I know he loves me. It's how I know he's thinking of me while I'm away. It's how I know that I'm not dragging him, unwillingly, through our life, we're making this crazy journey together.