Something's missing, I can tell.
I feel it every time I go outside to light up.
I notice when I'm headed to bed, but make a detour to 'let Chester out just one more time.'
The funny thing is, although I'd been feeling this void, the thought hadn't actually occurred to me that I was trying to fill it. I didn't have an epiphany during one of my trips outside, or in a fleeting moment of self discovery. Nope, it was pointed out to me...by a friend.
That's why we have other mother friends.
I have a weekly coffee/yoga/gossip date with a friend and this past week we discussed my feelings about this new addiction of mine. I expressed how this time around it's seemingly impossible to quit, how I've never had this sort of trouble before and frankly, I was more than a little concerned about my apparent weakness.
I discussed how much I enjoy sitting alone outside with a book, in the stillness, even if only for 10-15 minutes at a time. How it's become a routine that offers a tiny bit of sanctuary and silence that I'm not normally allowed, not even in the bathroom.
Sweetly she pointed out that it's possible something was missing. That I steal these moments because everything other aspect of my life - mother, wife, nurse - requires me to attend to someone else. That it's the one time I'm allowed to sit and just be, with no expectation beyond reading. It's a reason to take a time out.
She's right.
Now all I have to do is find something else, something a bit more healthy and less emotionally damaging to myself (read: GUILT). I'm honestly not sure what that's going to be. The other night the two of us checked out a dance studio in case that was something I might want to get back into. We've been bouncing around ideas ever since the morning of our last coffee date and I know that something will click with me. Something I can do just for me, with me. Something that helps me be better when I'm with others, because I've started to take care of myself.
We're headed to our yearly cabin camping excursion today. I'm excited to unplug, spend time with my family and maybe use the silence for a little introspection. Hopefully I'll come back smoke-free with an idea about how to take better care of Marina.
I'll let you know.
