I'm feeling "less than."
That's a common feeling for me these days. And I can't help but wonder what the hell is wrong with me anyway?
Maybe it's because I don't know exactly what I'm expecting this blog to be. I'm not sure what to focus on. Me? The kids? Our home? I'm an avid reader of some truly amazing blogs and they all seem to have more focus than I do. I can't help but think that it's some sort of reflection on me as a person. Like I'm too scattered and always all over the place. I can't focus and therefore THAT'S why I'm always feeling so out of whack. Like this blog has become a "mirror" of who I am as a person...too distracted by life to actually accomplish anything worthwhile.
Initially, I started to write because I LOVE to write. I wanted to put something meaningful out into the www universe and touch lives, inspire hope, or just give someone a laugh. More and more I feel like my entries are forced, like I'm trying to just get something out for a self inflicted deadline. I feel like I don't have the time to really elaborate on my thoughts or ideas, therefore I'm not writing so much as posting.
It's not that I don't have the opportunity to put my thoughts down. Right now, Amelia and Asher are hanging out together, watching Elmo in Grouchland for the second time today. Dinner is ready, I'm enjoying my first beer of the evening, waiting for Elijah to come home and take over. It's not like I don't have little pockets of time to write, I just don't know what to write about, or I just can't get focused enough to actually get something meaningful out. I keep a list on my phone, ideas for blogging, but I haven't "gotten around to" the good stuff yet, I guess. I don't know.
Maybe I'm just feeling a little defeated. Maybe this is just another self serving entry. I have gotten pretty good at those lately! I just feel confused, and a little like I haven't lived up to my potential.
Anyway, thanks for hanging in there...I am trying to get focused. Trying to get back on track. Hopefully, in the meantime, you're enjoying the "fluff."
