I have fallen off the wagon.
Hard. I'm actually pretty sore, both physically and mentally.
I don't know what happened. After four cigarette free years (minus the occasional bummed one here or there) I took up smoking again. It was so easy. I bought a pack on the way home from work this past Sunday and just like that I became a smoker again.
Why? As a nurse I absolutely know, and have cared for, people who have struggled their whole lives with this addiction. I have intimate, heartbreaking knowledge about what really happens when smoking begins to destroy your body. Unfortunately, the intellectual side of my mind is not in control at this moment. Currently, I'm stumping along on my crutch fueled entirely by instinct, habit and a strong desire to have something all to myself again.
However, I'm going to give myself a pass for this slip up as well as some time to let me work out a plan to get off the nicotine. And thankfully, so is my wonderfully understanding family. I've always said that I never "quit" smoking, I just "stopped." Referring to a relapse in that way isn't intended to be an excuse to continue smoking on and off indefinitely; it's more of a way to forgive myself for having a weakness. We all have vices, mine is just more disgusting and physically devastating than some of the others I could succumb to.
I know why I started again which is also why I know I can stop. The Texas heat, my unpredictable work schedule and our current, very exciting but overwhelmingly time consuming, adventures have hampered my ability to fall back on my replacement addiction, running. I still have plans to train for a half-marathon in December and know from experience that I cannot smoke and still do my long runs. Elijah and I have figured out a fixed, workable, shift schedule that will give me specific days for training runs and get me back to a more regular, restful sleep cycle.
I share this publicly because, as those who know me personally can attest to, it's hard for me to admit that I am imperfect. That I am a flawed person. It's important to remind myself that I cannot be everything I think I should be at all times without a little give. It's good to let others know that I am trying just like everyone else to have it all. And sometimes, for me, that includes a cigarette with my coffee.
