It's been almost a year since I started working and taking care of Amelia all day without help and let me just say, it is really getting to me. I realize that I'm only working two days a week but I still feel stretched. I'm tired all the time, I keep getting sick and I just can't shake this feeling that I'm trying to do too many things at once and I'm doing them all half-assedly (yep, that's a word).
Last week I decided that I HAD to find something for Amelia to do a few days a week. Something that would give me the opportunity to sleep the day following my shift, or go to the grocery store alone, or even get a doctor's appointment in without finding a babysitter. The search was pretty daunting. Unfortunately, most parents want/need full time care and the part time care pickings are pretty slim for her age. I scoured the internet, made calls, and stopped in at countless places trying to find a good fit. I was pretty discouraged yesterday after doing the math and realizing that it'd be cheaper to buy a new BMW than it would be to put her in any sort of acceptable childcare.
Luckily, I have a great support system. And I just happened to be complaining to a friend who mentioned a Mother's Day Out program she had used that sounded perfect. Amelia and I toured the facility this morning and I signed her up and paid the fee. She won't start until summer so I have a few months to get used to leaving her but I really think this will be best for both of us. She will have a few days of structured play and I will get some much needed rest.
I know it sounds trite, but I feel this huge weight has been lifted. Like I will soon be able to breathe a bit easier and can hopefully invest more in myself, ultimately feeling less depleted by the end of the day. Too often I feel like I have to do everything alone. I don't ask for help when I should; maybe out of fear of looking weak or just because I want to be able to do it all. The truth is, I've realized this year, I am not capable of doing it all. I can't keep up the house, manage the kids, support my husband, and serve my patients in any meaningful way if I am constantly emotionally or physically exhausted. That only makes me feel resentful about obligations and responsibilities that were once a joy to me.
It took a while, but I realize now that everyone will be better served if, on occasion, I take a little for myself.
